Got kicked out of the bank for taking too many lollipops.
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if she’s cute let her know. go AWOOOGOOO. pop ur eyes out of ur head. drop ur jaw to the floor. roll ur tongue out like a red carpet.
We never dreamed that one day we’d sit at work and use our phones to spy on our mailmen with our doorbells.
I’m awake.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
fall is almost here time to pull out the flannel condoms
You miss one dog birthday and he’s acting like I’ve missed the last 7!
Your honor? My client would like to address the court and ruin everything.
My daughter has a pink camo shirt in case she needs to infiltrate barbie’s dream house I guess
5-year-old: *pretending to be a T-rex* I’m going to eat you.
7-year-old: You can’t. It’s Lent.
[being murdered]
Two Murderers: *trying to kill me at the same time but their stabs cancel out*
Me: *becomes even more alive*
I was helping my son with his homework and I told him that the language attorneys use with all that legal jargon was called ‘Courtugese’ and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
“Are you okay?”
Me anytime I meet someone named Annie.
Wanted:
1 Psychic.You know who you are.
me: [sprinkling white ash on the ground in the shape of a pentagram]
build-a-bear employee: please don’t do that
ME: Is that a B or an 8?
HUSBAND: It’s a D. When are you going to get reading glasses?
ME: My eyes are fine. The print is too small.
KID: It’s an O. You’re both blind.
Looking at food photos online may help curb overeating: study
Recipes call for an item that isn’t used much and the grocery story only has 40 pound bags of it for $7000.
i swear to god if the house of commons does not stop fighting i will turn this car around
My favorite holiday drink is the Little Drummer Boy. It’s one part rum, three parts pum.
1 margarita: I tell you I love your hair.
2 margaritas: We take a selfie.
3 margaritas: I convince you that your apartment is haunted.
[in bed]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: one time I licked the floor of a subway
HER: I meant-
ME: I use a rat as a loofa
No, I don’t want to say where I got these scratches. On an unrelated note, if you wondered how many squirrels fit in a pillowcase, it’s 9.
It’s like grandma always said…
Make sure you put everything in the medicine cabinet back where you found it or you won’t be invited back.
Saw lady reading my book & was gonna say hi but I’m wearing the same shirt as in author photo & didn’t want her to think I only had 1 shirt.
Good morning to everyone but those being intentionally vague. You know who you are!
Sex is like lasagna – there’s absolutely no reason for it to involve spinach in any form.
Husband: I almost ate an entire pan of Rice Krispies treats.
Me: Almost? Quitter.
As a child, I thought that more recipes would call for Eyes Of Newt…
Why throw it in the hamper when I can throw it on a chair that’s 2 feet away from the hamper.
– My husband
I’m not saying everything has gone to hell since David Bowie, Tom Petty, and Prince died, but…
*gestures at everything*