A Fitbit is just a tamagotchi, but the creature you have to keep alive is yourself
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Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don’t notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.
Nick’s coming over
Nick from work, or Nick who thinks he’s a scorpion?
*Nick bursts through the door* HERE I AM, ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE
Backstreet Boys: Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely.
Me: *slow dances with cats around a pot of mac & cheese*
I don’t wanna party like it’s 1999, I want to pay my bills like it’s 1999
Reaction when you try to get out of plans but the person keeps rescheduling so you can make it.
When I put my mind to something I can procrastinate about anything.
GERGE: hey can u spot me for lunch? Im a little short on cash
JERY: crypto?
GERGE: crypto
JERY: what happened i thought u bought the dip!
GERG: I did! but then it dipped again
JERY: it double dipped?
GERGE: I DOUBLE DIPPED THE CRYPT
By the power vested in me by my credit card, I now pronounce you my new fluffy hat. You may now hug my head.
Never trust a fortune teller buying more than 1 lottery ticket.
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
[dog walking a human]
*walks by a coffeeshop with its door open*
HUMAN: *tries to sprint in* COFFEE
DOG: woah boy *pulls leash* easy there
Sometimes the fudge you bought on vacation turns out to be soap, but never the reverse. That’s how vacations work.
don’t give me a cake pop unless it comes with a map that leads me to the rest of the cake, you piece of shit
Me: I’m so bored I literally have nothing to do
*10 upcoming assignments due tomorrow*
you know who else had a “fun hat phase”? Abe Lincoln. and we all know what happened to THAT guy
I’m already getting into the Thanksgiving spirit, I’ve given the bird to lots of people today.
Always wanted to call people who don’t like astronomy “Galactos Intolerant”
At jury duty they said, “You do not have to be fluent in English.” So what you’re supposed to do is just guess if the guy is innocent.
Me: What sound do dogs make?
3-year-old: Woof woof.
Me: Horses?
3: Neigh.
Me: Pigs?
3: Sizzle sizzle.
Somebody understands bacon.
Ever notice how drunken late night snacks are the most creative? Long story short, last night’s Kung Pao Cheerios were rather tasty.
Me: I have shark like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat like reflexes”
Me: NO!
*i charge*
*he bops me on the nose*
*I run away*
I’ve seen or heard about Batman’s parents’ death so many times I feel like an accessory to murder for not going to the authorities.
A confidential source has informed me that the earth is gonna hatch
Why do meditation exercises always start by telling me to close my eyes? How am I gonna read the rest of the instructions?! 😆
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because my tires look like donuts?
Cop: Get out
You: *sneezes*
Me: [hears phrases incorrectly but appropriates them anyway] kazoo night.
Him: I got that dog in me
Me: are you a good boi? who’s a good boi?
ME: [drinking a glass of raw eggs]
WIFE: What are you training for?
ME: [drinking glass of bread] I just hate cooking
Boycotting the Winter Olympics because it’s too frickin’ cold.
imagine prince eric watching ariel get her voice back in the little mermaid and finding out she sounds exactly like donald duck