Her: If someone gave you five dollars would y-
Me: Yes.
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Welcome to your late 40s. You now have car glasses, office glasses, living room glasses, and bedroom glasses.
Me:*Chewing* These pot brownies are disgusting.
Him: That’s a dish sponge.
Me: Oh no! That means –
*Sees all the tea cups eating my Doritos*
Plot twist:
“Luke, I am your Mother.” – Yoda
to people who call it “supper” and not “dinner”: do you also have some crops to tend to? would you like me to go fetch you water from the well past the prairie? are the cold winter months coming? have you hunted for meat recently? is the bread ready? have you smelt the tears of
legally you can do anything in a library as long as you’re quiet
Die Hard is a Valentine’s Day movie.
Going to the moon must be terrifying because you’ve got no way to tell if you’re seeing werewolves there or just regular moon wolves.
NEWLYWED FRIEND: i just love him so much, i always want to be around him!
ME: you haven’t heard him eat cereal yet, have you
Thanks, baby Jesus, for helping me get that new job instead of helping millions of children find water and food. I know it was a tough call.
Seriously, if you go to Central or South America to visit ancient ruins and you don’t dress as Indiana Jones, what’s even the point? Bonus points if you can get the whip through customs.
*first date*
Guy: I like a girl who’s good with money
Me: the city will bury you for FREE if they can’t identify your body
My ex wife asked me to check on her house while she was on vacation….
Google Earth says everything is just fine.
my landlord still demanding physical checks like can you not exploit me here in the digital age…
dating tip #4: when meeting her brother for the 1st time make sure when he goes for the handshake u kiss him on the lips to assert dominance
My dancing style can best be described as “Guy On Maury Who Just Found Out He Isn’t The Father.”
Child: Do you have any cool side effects from your vaccine shot?
Me: No super powers, but I do look more handsome today.
Child: So, it’s affected your vision?
Who’s the idiot that named it a Brazilian and not a Tropical Smoothie?
what are some fun beginner crimes for someone getting into lawlessness
What if you went to ET’s planet and all of the other ET’s were wearing clothes.
Men’s underwear watching them buy more t shirts
*elbows date in ribs*
“see that asterisk next to the ‘have it your way’ slogan?”
where it says “within reason?”
“that’s because of me”
Say what you will about the state of the world, but now feels like a really good time to start marketing my C̶u̶l̶t̶ C̶o̶m̶m̶u̶n̶e̶ Adult Summer Camp
Girl likes ‘boys with accents <333’ on Facebook. I charge at her. “HELLOUGH!! I AM HELMUT, FROM RUSSIA. I WORK AS STRANGLER AT MEAT FACTORY”
[at the grocery store] yes i would like one grocery please
[haunted house]
FRIEND: you scared???
ME: not because of this haunted house, but yes
you will never know the true number of layers
I realize I put this off but how much weight can I lose in 2 hours?
*holding 7 steak knives*
DO I LOOK CRAZY TO YOU
“I got you, babe.”
– kidnappers