Interviewer: what makes you stand out?
Harry Potter: i’m a Wizard.
Interviewer: *scratching head* everyone here is tho, why are you the best?
Harry Potter: My mom like, REALLY loved me.
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Can’t stop thinking about really disturbing things today, like what if they had called him Illinois Jones.
shoutout to the guy who invented the term “water resistant”. a true hall of fame lie
I’m thrilled that you found Jesus. Where was he hiding?
When someone ask me… How are you?… I answer back… You mean in bed?
[zoo]
Kid: monkeys are dumb. Why do they keep throwing poop at each other?Me:*on my phone, leaving angry Facebook comments* I know, right?
*seduces you by wearing a sundress
*ruins it by running in flip flops
Listen, I’m not gonna lie, I think if someone wanted to murder me they could just leave a trail of cubed cheddar and I’d follow it to my demise
According to rom coms, I haven’t met the perfect guy because I’ve never chased an important paper down the block in a gust of wind.
[Ninja Dojo]
Me: Sensei, how will I know when I am ready?
Sensei: When you are seen no more than your selfies on IG, then you will be ninja.
I believe in you.
I also believe in bigfoot so don’t get too excited
Vin Diesel: Is it fast?
Car Salesman: Yes, sir. It is very fast.
Vin Diesel: Oh yeah? *leans in close* Is it furious?
’50 Shades of Grey’ taught me how to please a woman. It’s by writing a shitty book.
They: ‘ Where are you from?’
Me: ‘I’m from 80s.’
It’s amazing to me that blink-182 missed a big opportunity to market their own moisturizing eye drops.
What does it mean when your doctor slaps the beer from your hand?
These childbearing hips have yet to turn one single child into a bear and frankly, I’m disappointed.
The smartest way to keep kids out of a fumigated house is by making it look like a big fun circus tent.
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
KGB: You’re being activated and sent to America. There you will acquire and report all sensitive and relevant intel and relay back to Kremlin
Bear Family: what’s our cover?
KGB: You will sell crap ton of toilet paper
Her: I’m not going to keep pausing the movie to explain it to you
Me: I just have a hard time understanding
Her: they’re in that position bc he delivered the pizza but she doesn’t have any money
Someone posted a cute pic of several fluffy little baby chicks in a bucket and all I could think was “KFC preview.”
I’m not as tweet as you drunk I am think.
People always tell you that you’ll blink and your kids will grow up suddenly
How many times do I have to blink before they let me pee alone?
All it took was a skirt and one strong gust of wind and all of a sudden, my spirit animal is Hello Kitty.
i made cheesy potato soup & my 5-year-old walked into the kitchen and told me it “stinks like a raccoon”
guys what if I accidentally brought home the wrong baby from the hospital because I don’t know if this one is mine
I’m holding my head high and my middle finger a bit higher.
My kidneys: WE NEED WATER!!
My bladder: Don’t listen to them.
Noah was an idiot.
I don’t have a spirit animal. I have a judgemental chicken that’s followed me around my whole life shaking its head disapprovingly.
I now have so many pet peeves that I’ve had to hire someone to walk them during the day.