On the 9th day of Christmas my true love sent to me 9 ladies dancing, 8 maids a-milking, 7 swans a-swimming, 6 geese a-laying, 5 GOLD RINGS, 4 calling birds, 3 French hens, 2 turtle doves & a partridge in a pear tree
Hope the dancing hasn’t made the ladies hungry; birds all eaten
You Might Also Like
Heard the local weatherman say, “high in the thirties” & now I know the title to my autobiography.
I can’t wait to eat chips. If I had known Lent was so long I would not have given up chips.
– 11, missing the point of Lent
Wanna up the awkward while standing in line? Turn around while you wait.
“I’m definitely gonna hit that later tonight!”
– Me pointing out the light pole in the parking lot of the bar.
Unlike smoking, vaping doesn’t reduce your sex drive. It just reduces the sex drive of the people who see you vaping.
Me looking for something to eat….
⠀
Instructions: bake for 25 minutes.
⠀
Me: ugh, that takes too long. I don’t feel like dealing with it.
⠀
*proceeds to door dash overpriced food that will take 45 minutes to arrive*
I don’t really ask for much, just good health and happiness. Oh, and a tater tot as big as my head.
You say “tomato”, I say “flamingo”. I also put goldfish in my armpits. My opinion should be ignored.
I jump out of bushes to give surprise breast exams. I save lives.
The police are on the lookout for me. Probably to give me an award.
Me: You really brighten up the room!
Date: Aww, thanks!
Me: *staring directly at the sun* Who said that
changed my bio on bumble to “I’m gonna murder ur whole family” and guys still responded
Why the phone ring longer when u ignoring the call
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
*Michael Cera presses too hard with a crayon and breaks his wrist*
Movie Studio Chief: We’ve made “Batman.” We’ve made “The Batman.” What’s next?
Me: “The The Batman”?
[first date]
Her: I’m really into literature.
Me: I love crime and punishment.
Her: Yes! Incredible book, right?
Me: … book?
Crazy to think back before camera phones we all used to sit in front of bathroom mirrors with sketch pads.
Him: These candles are so romantic!
Me: They’re necessary for my human sacrifice ritual.
How crazy is it that we used to say “three and a half inch floppy” with a straight face
Two years ago I became a proud father. My son is 6, but he was kinda lame those first four years.
[Life after lockdown]
My Hairstylist: WTF
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I don’t think Die Hard is a Christmas movie?
COP: *drawing weapon* Don’t move you son of a-
The name “Boeing” makes so much sense now considering it’s basically the sound of something hitting the ground and bouncing.
‘I choose my underwear based on how likely I am to have sex. Today, I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway’
Trying to remember where I hid all of my kids’ gifts will be the real Christmas miracle.
Waiter: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have an appetizer called Jenga.
A bunch of termites in a trench coat: Then we..I mean I will have the salmon on the cedar plank, hold the salmon
My (32F) husband (36M) wants to start a ‘restaurant for magicians’, and it is tearing our family apart
I scream, you scream, we all scream, while I’m crawling under the bathroom stall to say hi to you.
So a coffee break is when you stop drinking coffee for a minute, right?
He was rare. Like my car without any warning lights on