I told my therapist that I thought I had imposter syndrome, but he said only talented people get that. So that’s a relief.
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Husband: How much of the kids’ candy are you going to eat?
Me:
Forgive me father for I have sinned, it’s been 25 yrs since my last confession, I sure hope you’re seated comfortably.
I love giving a little kid the tongue, and then watching him run to his mother holding the severed tongue I just gave him.
and then you go like this
and then you go like this
and then you go like this– me on my own cooking show
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Is a personal shopper someone who just goes on Amazon for you now?
Call all your previous ones relationsinks.
I totally just realized that Dora the Explorer and Vlad the Impaler have the same middle name
I don’t know much about friends with benefits but i’m always carrying a snack or two if that counts
Bowser: Honey, the toilet’s clogged
Wife: Call someone to fix it
Bowser: *dialing number* Well this is gonna be awkward
Me: oh no please stop stabbing me
Murderer: your sarcasm is ruining this
Pineapple farms looks like someone said they were a pineapple farmer and got caught in the lie so just started chucking pineapples on the grass
I’m one of those people you see on Christmas Eve running around doing their last minute present shopping at the petrol station. Luckily my family really love petrol.
Y’all are gonna lose your minds when Donald Trump eats a Snickers and turns into Bernie Sanders.
Dancing naked and the neighbors saw me.
Interviewer: there’s a long gap on your resume?
Me: Ah yes, you see I was dressing my toddler
It’s a myth that we only use 10% of our brain, but I definitely know people who use less than that.
🤣😂🤣
When life gives you lemons, give the lemons back. Why were the lemons free? Is something wrong with the lemons? Are the lemons haunted? Be suspicious of the lemons.
My sweet-as-can-be daughter who’s never even once gotten in trouble listens to podcasts about serial killers to relax, if you’re wondering about the healthy home environment I’ve provided.
How to impress your ex:
1. Get rich
2. Get more attractive
3. Get a tiger
4. Ride tiger everywhere in preparation for confrontation with ex
The three genders
Me: Shall I buy flowers for the housewarming?
Wife: Orchids?
Me: Where am I supposed to buy children?
my sentiments exactly
I took your advice and worked smarter not harder. Now I’m going to need your advice on a good lawyer.
Asked for Cheez-its
Wife buys Cheese Nips
Now she’s sitting in the corner thinking about what she did.
wife: we are doing christmas with my family this year
remembering how me and my uncle got in a fist fight over whether the grinch is british: that’s fair
The 1st cup was used in 1874, the 1st helmet was used in 1974. It only took 100 years to learn our brain is also important.
[news anchor]
“Up next, can more sex lead to a healthier & happier-”
*wife changes channel*
“I tell you, this car runs like a dream!” I change gears and the gearstick turns into a swan. I turn on the wipers & it rains on the inside.