Alright…who left me unsupervised again?
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Parents: You can be anything you want to be kiddo!
Me: Okay I definitely want to be an artist!
Parents: lol no we meant a real job.
AI could never write that episode of Bones where the serial killer imprinted malware onto the victim’s bones, so when they got scanned in the lab the computers got a virus and set themselves on fire
Me: Someone finally made a documentary about clocks
Friend: Please don’t, please
Me: It’s about time
Ex-Friend: I’ve had it
friend: you’ve been watching the tv for 8 hours
me: yeah so
friend: maybe u should turn it on
Guard dog? Service dog? Yeah, yeah…
When earth is invaded by evil aliens that look like pony tail holders, our cat will be a hero.
Two strangers on the subway just got into a political argument and now I can see they’re each writing Facebook posts about it
Soooo, if the string breaks off…do you just make yourself sneeze so that it shoots out?
Female cashier: [stares at me]
*rings up tampons*
If my dad asks, there’s definitely NOT a karate tournament in our house tomorrow at 3.07pm *wink*
nasa employee: oh hey jeff you’re back early
jeff bezos: moon’s unionized
nasa employee: what?
jeff bezos: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s unionized
[in car]
7: mom, who sings this song?
Me: Pink Floyd*5 minutes later*
7: who sings this one?
Me: still Pink Floyd, buddy
I’m “I lost my car in a parking lot” years old
*clicks alarm, clicks alarm*
*silence*
Am I even in the right parking lot?
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
“I love ribs! What are ribs, anyway? Are they like cow, or like people…or?”
-my 6yo daughter, that’s apparently not disturbed by cannibalism
Isn’t that the name of the guy that played Sherlock Holmes?
I smelled alcohol and got all excited then realized it was only hand sanitizer.
I have never related to a cat more
Humans are 58% water. Jellyfish are 95% water. Therefore, humans are 61% jellyfish.
Ouiji boards are a little less intimidating knowing they’re from Hasbro.
snowing hard this morning. Bus driver slid through a red light. Only thing he said was “we slidin” i cant stop thinking about this
I got a locket as a present, but I haven’t changed the stock photos in it yet. Currently I have been walking around with a baby and a dog I don’t know around my neck.
It’s been a while since I’ve flown out of the Nashville airport. It’s mayhem. The bachelorette parties have continued into the terminal. Just saw a bro getting escorted out by police, he had pissed himself and was joyfully saying “trust me. Y’all WANT me on that plane!”
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
My wife and I have started making videos of plates and bowls that we’re selling from home while snowed in.
Now is the winter of our dish content.
I turned on my computer and it went “Word” and I was like “Yo”.
Me, yelling my head off every day.
14 yo son: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.Pizza delivery driver exhales at front door two floors down from bedroom.
14 yo: Pizza’s here.
I bought a treadmill because I ran out of closet space for my clothes.
Netflix should double as a dating site and be like “here are 9 other singles in your area that watched LOST for the past 11 hours.”
No matter how much milk I buy or when, there is always 1/8 cup left in the carton when I want some.
It’s a sad day when you find out there’s a hot person behind a cartoon avi.
My house isn’t messy.
It’s ‘Picasso-ish’.