[hamster construction site]
“Colin, you seen Dave?”
I left him manning the concrete mixer
“Oh no”
[cut to Dave having the time of his life]
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3: mummy can I tell you about my dream?
Me: of course sweetie
3: *finishes 3 hours later* did you like it?
Me: *didn’t listen to any of it* loved it!
3: what was your favourite part?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: *sweating* the….unicorn part?
3: mine too yay!
Me: yay!
I’ve learned many things from working with younger people but one is that you can deliver some pretty terrible news followed by lol.
him: does this pillow feel lumpy
me: [sneaking a handful of shredded cheese out of the pillowcase] seems fine to me
“911, What’s your emergency?”
I… I shot him
“Shot who sir?”
He said the Beatles suck
“Is he alive?”
Yes
“Try holding a pillow over his face”
“I’m great in bed” ~ breakfast
Fred Flintstone drove by this morning
Putting my Christmas decorations on the house across the street so I can, you know, see them.
[sees a meathead at the gym flipping a giant tire end over end]
ME: Put it on its side and it’ll roll, idiot
It’s funny when you tell someone that you don’t like people, they always think you mean other people.
“can we play our computers on the plane?”
bro, you and your sister can give each other face tattoos for all I care, just leave me alone
The 4 stage of life:
1. You believe in Santa Claus
2. You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3. You are Santa Clause
4. You look like Santa Claus
I was buying wine at the market and the checker looked at me and said you know you have to be 21 right so we got down right there on aisle 7.
Day 65: My dog still insists on acting happy to see people despite my example and training
the answer was staring at me all along
All you dads out there couldn’t hold a candle to my dad. He’s petrified of candles.
finally found a reasonable question
Just found out that “3 Men and a Baby” isn’t a movie about Jesus’s birth.
goldilocks was so stupid for not wanting to sleep in a bed too big for her. oh nooo i’m tooo comfy!! shut up
I pack extra bags when I travel so I have room to bring back souvenirs, candies, hotel towels, the extra toilet paper, stuff like that.
nothing is funny anymore becuase nothing is normal anymore. i saw a pigeon on the subway today and thought “how did a pigeon make $2.75”
Someday you’ll wake up with Mark Zuckerberg in your bed because you neglected to uncheck a box.
JOB INTERVIEWER: So what are your biggest weaknesses?
HE-MAN: Well, I-
*job interviewer’s fake mustache falls off and it’s Skeletor*
just ate soup so fast my Fitbit thought i was running
When you have this song stuck in your head, is it just your mind playing tracks on you?
my grandma has a secret tuna casserole recipe that involves a 911 call
Would love to do a Trump family sitcom, but would have to make up a character to be “the smart one”
Mcdonalds showing people doing yoga in their commercials is like George Bush having a library named after him.
My husband and I now have an app that tells us if the garage door is open or closed and this effectively gets rid of 90% of conversation during car rides.
You can sing along to a good song in my car as long as you don’t take lead vocals. Just accept that you’re a background singer or get out.
If I was a marriage counselor I would just make the couple look at a dating website for 20 minutes.