I think we can all agree if the ancient Egyptians had twitter there would be no pyramids.
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“Let me get this straight, you got your asses kicked by four fully mature mutant ninja turtles?”
“No, sir, it’s actually worse than that.”
6-year-old: Why do cars have cup holders?
Me: For cups.
6: But you can’t drink and drive.
I respect the tenacity of the Jurassic theme park investors who won’t stop trying to crack the profit formula for making money on murder monsters who keep eating the customers.
“I have a favourite hole”, me, at the pool table.
Anytime I’m watching something on tv my wife starts talking to me as if her words are going to expire if she doesn’t use them.
hi, grandma? can u come pick me up from my rap battle? it’s over. no, i lost. he saw u drop me off & did a pretty devastating rhyme about it
Girl, are you a conspiracy theory?
Because I want to listen to you all day long even though I find it hard to believe a word you say.
If a woman expects you to open the door for her, it’s a massive red flag. Never date a girl who doesn’t know how to work a knob.
The only thing I DON’T like about renting a summer cottage is having to adapt to a new kitchen. You reach for the chef’s knife but pull out the bread knife because the handles are identical! And there’s NO time to make another selection because the killer is coming right at you.
“Another job replaced by automation” I lament as a tornado seamlessly delivers a newspaper to every driveway on the block
When you’re firing off drunk texts & you see the 3 dots
If someone says “With all due respect,” what follows is the verbal equivalent of a captive chimp hurling feces at you.
What kind of adapter do I need for this outlet?
January 29, 1802, 2 AM: I hope this letter finds you well. Are you up?
March 2: I am, good sir
April 6: Would you kindly come over?
May 9: K
Would you PLEASE stop being so damn THIRSTY??
My car:
A good comeback when someone doesn’t believe you’re a time traveler is “Yeah well nobody cried at your funeral.”
Kids really be like, it’s too much work to load the dishwasher but let me try to balance this plate on top of this 2 foot stack of glasses, pots and pans in the sink
The Tortoise and the Hare is a classic story about how people who like to run are awful.
I went for a drive but I forgot my glasses. I didn’t even realize I had forgotten them until the guy lying on my windshield said something.
The Scream movies were believable in the 90’s but c’mon, no one with any common sense answers unknown numbers on their phones anymore
Facebook’s targeted ads think I have a cat.
I don’t, but I visited a friend with one and talked about it out loud.
The most powerful spy software in the world is trying to sell me kitty litter.
Skynet is here and it’s lame as hell.
I accidentally spilled water on the rice so I immediately put it in a jar of smartphones.
3: I don’t want to go to sleep, I want to take a nap
Me: That’s fine, take a nap
3: Okay. I’ll take a long nap till morning
Me: Great!
3 *Five sec later*: I’m napping now!
Me: What exactly do you think “nap” means?!
Son of Sam I Am, a serial killer who targets people who won’t try new foods.
Shades by Gucci, shirt by Dolce&Gabbana, face by Douchebag.
criminal: oh no it’s lobster man
lobster man: [quickly sidestepping around them] move one inch and you get the pinch
criminal: [takes out rubber bands]
lobster man: oh god no
Nothing like sitting on a chair at your kid’s school to inspire you to never eat cookies again.
Memes like this are the reason I still use social media.
5yo: “I can remember things really good. Do you remember things good too? You forget things sometimes.”
Me: “Not as good as I used to. I forget things as I get older.”
5yo: “Wow. You must be really old then.”
If everything gets better with age, explain why this dead body keeps smelling worse and worse