cab driver: how was your meal?
wife: it didn’t go down as well as we’d hoped
cab driver: that’s too bad
me: *still choking on a fish bone* why is no one helping me?
You Might Also Like
My husband knew I’d never wear slippers because that’s where spiders lay their eggs and he still married me so I think that makes him the weirdo
I wish there was a way to keep in touch with dogs I meet outside of grocery stores.
Cooking is kind of strange, conceptually. Who took the first slab of meat and said “we better put fire under this for 15 minutes so we don’t die”
Taught my grandmother that “Jabroni” means “fine young man” and it’s made our time out in public way more interesting.
[lumberjack interview]
BOSS: I’m gonna “axe” you a few questions. Haha do you get it?
ME: Yeah I “saw” that coming
BOSS: Ooo welcome aboard!
Me: You are pretty.
She: Thanks.Me: I wish there was something between us.
She: Me too.Me: Really?? Like what??
She: A wall.
ME: Can I borrow your car?
FRIEND: You already borrowed my car.
ME: *nervously* Can I borrow another one?
What do you mean, “I need space,” are you okay oh my god do you need me to come over and bring space
ever since i was young i knew i wanted to be on the computer
On the next episode of “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I try to figure out why we don’t have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we washed them.
Them: “Would you like to eat an entire loaf of bread?”
Me: “No thank you.”
Them: “What if we gave you a pot of cheese and a little poker and called it fondue?”
Me: “I’m in.”
Officer, why do you say “full body cavity search” like it’s a bad thing?
[At the job interview]
“Why did you leave your last job?”
“They took a vote.”
Me to my first grade class: Everyone please close your eyes for a minute.
6yo: Did you forget to put on your deodorant again?
25 more pounds to lose and I’ll be ready to be seen at my gym.
OMG, you guys, there’s a button on this stove that says “Stop Time”. Should I press it??
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
Thanksgiving and Christmas should be six months apart. Absurd to see those people again so soon. Insane.
Today, my wife said “Okily Dokily.” I know I said til death do us part, but that was before I realized I married Ned Flanders.
i actually want my products tested on animals, if a bear doesn’t like the ps5 i know i won’t either
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
I’ve learned a lot over the years, but the best advice I can ever give someone is never buy a used harmonica.
Got the c-4 you wanted for your gender reveal party.
“Do you, Phil, take Amanda as your lawfully wedded wife? Will you honor and obey her? Will you take her in sickness and in health? Would you like to update Adobe Acrobat now, or later?”
I love giving a little kid the tongue, and then watching him run to his mother holding the severed tongue I just gave him.
my dad: in the end. i hope people don’t even notice i was here
me: i hate camping too
I have a dog to make sure that the sounds in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those sounds.
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
High school teachers: You are to write about the use of the color yellow in The Great Gatsby. If it’s less than 10 pages I will CALL THE COPS.
College profs: Write about an entire religion. I don’t even care which one but if you make me read more than 3 pages I will end my shit.