Wait, so hallways in mental institutions aren’t called psychopaths? Well they should be.
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Every morning I wake up and every morning there is no breakfast in bed. We have got to do something about this level of poverty!
When you’re single and decide to go out for dinner on Valentine’s Day.
Drinking 8 glasses of water isn’t easy, but I get really thirsty when I eat Funyuns. So problem solved. It feels good to be healthy.
Mother in law just said global warming with air quotes. It’s going to be a long night.
Once I saved 10 kittens from a burning building and yes all the people died but look how cute they are
im not paying that much money for ppl to watch me kiss someone im sorry u must be out of ur mind. $15 take it or leave it
facebook is always sending me suggestions of “an event that might interest you” – it all interests me, facebook! trust me! it’s not for a lack of interest … so, if you could please tweak these suggestions to “an event that you can afford” … that would be great … thanks
If you ever get hit by a car, try to spin like a ballerina. You won’t get another chance like this.
GOD: That’s the last of the animals. Now add warning colors to the poison ones
ANGEL: Will do
GOD: But not all of them, keep some surprises
I thought the CVS guy was going to ask me to join the rewards program but he said “enjoy your night” so I said “not today, thanks” and left.
Your other foot. Nope. Still the other foot. You have two feet this isn’t hard. THE. OTHER. FOOT. OMG
-me watching a toddler put shoes on
I’m not lazy. I wear yoga pants because the urge to work out might hit me. You don’t know.
Whenever someone is about to tell me about their day, I just cover my ears and yell “SPOILER ALERT!”
I love how there’s just no social rules at the airport. Wanna sleep on the ground in public? Cool. A shot of tequila and beer at 7am? Right on, normal stuff. Also the dogs are cops.
at my high school reunion everyone kept asking where my date was so I finally told them my dog ate him. no one laughed
When the the bladder control commercial with the jingle “Gotta go, gotta go, gotta go right now” came on my 5 year old asked “mommy, do these ladies really have to go to the bathroom or do they just think they do” thus becoming the youngest menopause expert in the world.
Eclipse is too dangerous for my eyes. I’m going to stare at 11-point font google docs on my smartphone all day instead.
C’mon, I can’t be the only one that does kegels to pass the time in meetings
“Remember those funny tweets about Keith? And, the Chad jokes? Haha! They were great! We should do those again. Right, guys? Guys?”
– Karen
[being choked to death]
Me: harder
Murderer: wait, what?
Me: again pls
Murderer: ffs, I’m out of here
[dog catches me bringing a box of fireworks in the house]
Me: Oh hey buddy, this isn’t what it looks like, okay.
“Press the cube root of the 11th digit of pi divided by .5 and doubled if you’d like to speak with a customer service representative.”
Hand 2 toddlers a poisoned cookie and tell them not to eat it, then leave for a day. Some would call that stupid. The Bible calls it Genesis
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: well they took my bag of doll heads so you tell me
[Club]
Him: You want to dance?
Her: *Giggling* Ok
Him: *Scowling* Well go on then
the DJ an hour ago: hey if someone lost a black sweater we found it ! seems like it belongs to a child
my sister: how funny would it be if that was mom’s
my mom just now: i lost my black sweater i think :/
How many minutes after someone’s fired is it cool to take their stapler?
Twitter is my favorite MMORPG ever. I just say nasty shit and then I get to collect awesome people like experience points.
Who called it a clip-on hair extension and not a phoney-tail
I have 3 full closets of nothing to wear.