Has anyone actually asked kids why they’re so annoying? Maybe they don’t know?
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I’m all for legalizing pot, but for fucks sake oral sex is still illegal in 18 states. Let’s prioritize, people!
if you’re a shakespeare character your chances of getting mauled by a bear while a clown watches are low but never zero
Psssst … Hey buddy … One hit of this stuff’ll take you right back to ’79
*slides over packet of Pop Rocks*
What’s that thing called when your crush likes you back? oh yeah imagination
where do you see yourself in five years?
Getting a speeding ticket in Alabama wasn’t what upset me. What upset me was how long he took to give it to me and he put me behind 15 minutes on my GPS arrival time so I had to speed the rest of the way anyway.
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
My unemployed friends on a Wednesday at 1:30pm
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMFAO
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
Just saved two ants from drowning in the pool, so I assume they’re rushing back to their colony to tell everyone they were lifted to safety by the giant hand of god.
Do yourself a favour: get a dog. Before I got a dog I was ridiculed for walking around with a bag of shit
Me: Transparency is very important to me.
Ghost: …
Wife: Use your fingers to make me squirm
Me: *plays Baby Shark on Fisher Price xylophone*
The Internet lets the world instantly know my thought but…they can’t make a microwave that I can put metal in.
Someone isn’t trying.
Remember kids, you miss 100% of the shots you don’t drink.
My daughter has been rewatching Moana repeatedly, and there is a rooster named HeiHei.
I told my wife, “did you know Moana originally had 3 chicken characters? Besides HeiHei they also had YuYu and I-Don’t-Like-Your-Girlfriend….”
a store that sells jeans and khakis should be called a pantry
[my funeral]
sister: did you know about this?
mom: [watching my pallbearers dressed like the ninja turtles carry my casket] it’s what he wanted
How are they committing internet crimes from the space station when I can’t get a decent signal in my kitchen.
Pilot: Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking…
Me: *sitting upright in bed* How the hell did you get in here?
white cavewoman naming her child “oog” but it’s spelled “eauxgh”
What a Brit says when all of their hopes and dreams are crushed:
“Ah well”
“Never mind, eh”
“Wasn’t meant to be”
“Shame”
“Could be worse”
“Such is life”
“Hey ho”
“Can’t be helped”
“Mustn’t grumble”
“Right”
“It is what it is”
“I knew it”
“We’re still alive… barely”
“At least it’s not raining”
“I’ll put the kettle on”
“We’ll laugh about this one day”
“Typical”
“Bugger”
Every day is a struggle to resist the overwhelming biological urge to throw a frozen watermelon into a hot deep fat fryer but yes, I’d love to help you plan a formal dinner party.
Miss 9: When I grow up I’m going to have this house. When you.. you know..
love pickles so much i put myself in one
The way I see it, the only thing my daughter’s little “boyfriend” needs to know about me is I ain’t afraid to go back to prison.
im always more attracted to women wearing glasses, like deep down i know naturally poor eyesight provides my best chances
Here is a little money saving tip that I’ve learned: If you spend all of your money on tattoos, then technically, your money will be with you forever.
Straight friend: Will you sensitivity read my book for my lesbian best friend character?
Me, two weeks later: The lesbian best friend is absolutely perfect. Here’s 16 pages of notes detailing the incorrect things you said about Star Trek.