That awkward moment when I give a guy a fake phone number and he tries to call it in front of me.. #OhShiiiit
You Might Also Like
If anyone wants to know how WWIII will actually start…. 🤣
“i absorbed my twin in utero” dont care. not even impressive. i absorbed a guy just last week. fully grown man. had a family. might absorb them too
Me: You’re so selfish!
Her: I’m selfless! I spent the last 4 weekends giving back to my community.
Me: Oh Please, that was court-ordered..
*cocks gun*
Me: “Go ahead.”
Horse: “Just be cool, man.”
Me: “DRINK.”
Horse: “No problem. It’s just a stupid expression.”
At my funeral, throw my urn into the crowd and whoever catches it dies next.
About 68% of Americans believe the government is conspiring to hide information about extraterrestrials.
That number would be higher, but alien pods already have transformed 32% of the U.S. population into replicas of their former selves.
Teenager: Bae swag YOLO
Me: In better times, people who spoke gibberish like that were burned as witches.
Me: “Bond.”
*lowers sunglasses*
“James Bond.”Cashier: “You’ve been doing that for 35 minutes. Are you going to buy the sunglasses or not?”
Doctor: Do you smoke?
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D: tobacco
Me: No.
A lot of people still don’t seem to get what social distancing means:
1) keeping two metres away from each other when out and about
2) disabling push notifications on the House Party app
everyone wants a sensitive girl until she cries because that cloud is beautiful
me: i wish i were the most beautiful person in the world
genie: ok [snaps fingers]
me: [blushing] omg nothing has changed
genie: i tried but you’re just so ugly
Dear boyfriend, i can make ur girlfriend scream louder than u can.
Sincerely, spiders
person: calm down
me: *calm immediately goes up*
Your leftovers looking at you from the back of the fridge as you order Postmates again
“So, which burner is your favorite? Mine is usually the back left.” -Me, trying to make friends in my 30’s
[holding a baby]
me: uh so how long have you been a baby?
Sorry I told you that you should probably take down your Halloween profile picture when you had already put your normal picture up days ago.
a fun thing to say if someone asks you if you want to hold their baby is “no thanks im trying to quit”
“can you explain the gap on your resume” can you explain the gap on your staff?
If I were going to the Met Gala, I would do one of those costumes where it looks like someone’s carrying you.
Mom Holds Knife To Throat Of Dinner Guest Who Offered To Help With Dishes
Twitter is like a very demented game of The Sims. Everyday I check to see how my people are doing and make sure they’re still alive.
Every nature documentary has a pointless & soft lit cameo by a dung beetle that makes you suspect it’s dating the director
Wife: What do you think our song is?
Me: I’d have to say “Happy Birthday”. It’s the song we’ve sung together the most.
Wife: Idiot…
It’s polite to hold a door open for a woman, but no one specified by how much
You can learn a lot about your kids by helping them with their homework for example, mine are idiots.
The most productive species of beaver is the Eager.
As all of evolution expected, I’ve decided not to eat that butterfly with the angry looking eyes on its wings.
cop: this flat earther was ran over by a steamroller
detective: i guess you could say it’s [puts on sunglasses] really bright outside today