Random person: How are you?
Me: you too.
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What’s the fetish called when you can only get off if Gordon Ramsey is yelling at you that your risotto is garbage?
Bruce Willis in Starbucks. he gives his name as “not Bruce Willis” and when they call him he grabs his coffee and runs away giggling
Can you imagine if it was normal to say goodbye to everyone in the movie theater? “… have a good one.. enjoyed watching the movie with you..”..
AN OPEN LETTER TO COFFEE
Thanks.
Toy Story (1995) – A cowboy & a deluded astronaut battle over who gets to sleep with a 6-year-old boy.
My mother: What color do you look good in?
Me: Not the one I’m wearing right now, apparently.
Just once I want to see a new parent post a baby photo on Facebook with the words: “Still not sure if we like it, tbh.”
What an awful time to have common sense.
Astrophysicists still struggling to explain the Big Bang Theory: “It’s a corny show! We just don’t get it!” said one astrophysicist.
[On date]
Her – “so your profile said you like classical music? I love Mozart & Bach, how about you?”
Me – “Jurassic Park theme”
YOU: Hi.
ME: *breathes in deeply, making my body puff up so that it seems too big to eat*
When I see people running to catch the elevator I’m on I yell “HURRY! YOU GOTTA SMELL THIS!”.
*sips iced coffee*
man I’ve been feeling so anxious lately
*has another iced coffee*
I wonder why I had that panic attack the other night
*chugs redbull*
my social anxiety has been a waking nightmare
*takes a bath in cold brew and espresso with a 5 hour energy face mask*
My neighbor accidentally called me “love” in a text looking for his cat and now we have more reason to never make eye contact again.
Jigsaw: I want to play a game
Me: *takes his hand* I don’t play games
Jigsaw: [whispers] OMG
I have been calling a guy on our street John since he and his wife moved here about five years ago.
His name is Dave.
*seductively boils hot dog* *suggestively unscrews ketchup bottle* *alluringly toasts bun* *erotically describes this in between asterisks*
I’m a Florida 4, but a Walmart 6, so I’m a Florida Walmart 5.
I wanted to lose some pounds…..
So I went to the casino.
A Christmas Carol but Scrooge has enough money to hire the Ghostbusters.
[First ever Snail Olympics that started 350 million years ago]
Millennial snail announcer: oh shit here they come
Christina Aguilera named her baby girl “Summer Rain.”
I wish I was named after a Glade® air freshener scent.
My doctor told me, “If you don’t quit smoking, it doesn’t really matter how poorly you eat” and that was the best day of my life.
Yoga Instructor: This is Warrior pose
Me:*Sitting down, eating a cheeseburger
YI:
Me:*chewing
I’m a Warrior who just slayed a McDonaldite
My husband is helping me relax this morning by making the kids lunches. He’s asked me 57 times what goes in each lunchbox, and still hasn’t found the bread yet.
TT: At sunday dinner I like to perform an impromptu puppet show with the roast chicken. This week it’s my interpretation of Die Hard 2.
How much for the Ice Cream Scoop?
Ma’am, that’s a Shovel.
bears
Inside you are two wolves. Inside each of them? You guessed it: two more wolves. Are there two wolves inside each of those two wolves? You better believe there are. You are a wolf pyramid scheme, my friend.
Having a tea party is fun until your daughter tells you that she got the water from the toilet