me: it’s weird how you follow me to the bathroom
dog: it’s weird how you follow *me* to the bathroom
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Being a little kid is so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and you just got your first paycheck from the tooth fairy. Life is good.
The Dow fell 500 points last night, indicating that the start of the Halloween season has investors spooked
11yo: What are you doing?
me: shhh. Mommy鈥檚 napping.
11yo: On the treadmill?
Paper plates don鈥檛 have to go so hard with the marketing. Whimsical floral design? I just need to know microwaveable y/n
just witnessed a drug deal
Since he knows me best, I’m adding my bartender as a LinkedIn reference.
Best way to stop the April Fools’ “I’m pregnant” jokes is replying with “I thought you put on some weight.”
After spicing things up in the bedroom, don’t rub your eyes for at least 30 minutes.
I bet deaf people scare the shit out of bank tellers when they hand them a note.
I suffer from paranoia and procrastination. Everyone is out to get me, just not right now
I just googled “Is there really cowbell in the actual song Don’t Fear the Reaper?” and my first response was, “Go outside and do something.”
Fun prank: Tweet “Brb gonna pet the tigers in the zoo” and then don’t tweet for nine years.
Daughter: It鈥檚 Halloween…let鈥檚 do something really scary.
Me: You鈥檙e in luck…I鈥檓 just about to do the bills.
Flowers for Valentine鈥檚 Day are cool鈥ut what she really needs is windshield wiper fluid.
Baby are you the middle of July because I was not ready for you at all and feel very aware that I should have been working out
me: what鈥檚 a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
“sorry sorry sorry reallysorry reallysorry sorry” – remorse code
Of all the things I’m not allowed to use, I guess it’s the chainsaw that hurts the most.
I wish I were this cool 馃槀
1st kid: *makes own baby food from organically grown fruits and veggies fresh from the garden*
4th kid: *throws can of spaghetti-O’s in a blender*
My group chat full of childhood friends was blown away by the realization that one member reads the newspaper at 7am then doesn鈥檛 look at the news for the rest of the day, and the rest of us are seething with jealousy.
Kid: He is the baddest person in the whole world
Me: Baddest isn’t a word, u can say worst
Kid: What is worst
Me: It means very bad
Kid: How bad
Me:
Kid:
Me: Baddest
its actually not that difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. one will see you later and one will see you in a while
Just heard a guy at the dog park tell his dog “NO!” and then more quietly, “We talked about this!”
HER: *spitting out food* This is GROSS! What did you put in this?
ME: Old Spice. Just like you said to.
HER: I said ALL spice, you idiot!
Some people won’t try bacon for religious reasons. I won’t try religion for bacon reasons.
How much longer must I pretend to understand the eclipse, this is exhausting.
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick.
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand.
My Sweet Lord implies the existence of My Salty Lord, My Sour Lord, my Bitter Lord and of course the more recently discovered My Umami Lord