My 3-year-old dumped pudding in her pocket.
Novice dad reaction: “You ruined your pants.”
Veteran dad: “Thank God. I thought it was poop.”
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“I’m shaving off the beard tomorrow” I loudly announce so that anything living in there has time to evacuate
yeah sex is cool but have you ever seen the jerk who went speeding past you pulled over by a cop like one mile down the road
I think my neighbor is very sick. I have now seen him putting no less than six of his arms in his garbage over the past year.
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
I don’t hate anyone. I just don’t like people.
me: you’re only giving me this job because i’m your husband, this is nepotism
wife: shut up and take the trash out
[me in a zombie apocalypse] okay I think this is a zombie but I don’t want to be rude and presume anything, maybe this lady is just having a rough day, aren’t we all, haha, I’ll just try to go about my business, okay no she’s definitely biting me
A table tale✨
#TheRingsOfPower
I bet that at some point in history a baby ate a dingo.
[standing at your brisket smoker with a baggie of hot dogs] “Would you cook these for me?”
My granddaughter is spending the night. Before she fell asleep she kept saying, “I miss my mom. I want my mom.” I said, “We’ll see her tomorrow. Besides, I’m your mom’s mom.” She said, “Well, I’d like to see your daughter.” 😂😂😂
TEACHER: do you know what estimate means
STUDENT: not exactly
TEACHER: yes you are right
STUDENT: about what
TEACHER: also correct
STUDENT: …i guess
TEACHER: wow you really know your stuff
Justin Bieber has found Jesus which means that Jesus is really great at a lot of things but hiding is not one of them.
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
In the movie Titanic it always bugged me that she stayed on the raft when clearly she had more body fat for warmth.
RIVERS WILL RUN RED WITH THE BLOOD OF MY ENEMIES & ALL WHO PLOTTED AGAINST ME WILL KNOW A FEAR-oh never mind my keys were in my other pocket
i made my dad a beetloaf and he tried to run me over with his van
I sometimes double click on a trojan horse to see if there are soldiers hiding inside.
You may recognize me from many TikTok videos playing the role of Mom Who Talks Because She Doesn’t Know Camera Is On
My Google search history is me checking how to spell hors d’oeuvres 3,729 times.
“My husband’s a talented voice actor & his brother’s a makeup artist but nah this old lady is a different person” -the mom in Mrs. Doubtfire
Twitter is fun because you can post a pic of pizza and people will get mad at you.
GalileoGalileo, Galileo Galileo, Galileo Figaro
My boss gave me an assignment and told me to “give it the old college try”, so now I’m skipping class and doing a keg stand.
A headline said the economy is showing signs of unexpected vigor so i’ll have what the economy is having please.
My young nephew said that people with glasses should only be able to marry other people with glasses. He’s like a tiny Republican senator.
[vet school]
ME: Welcome, students. Hope you brought textbooks because-
[spins cat on finger like basketball]
-I have no idea what I’m doing
JUMP
ING
UP
AND
DOWN
ON
THE
TRAMP
O
LINE
OUT
SIDE
YOUR
WIN
DOW
IS
NOT
HOW
I
WANT
ED
TO
BREAK
UP
WITH
YOU
KAR
EN
“I want her skin.”
-Serial killers and teenage girls
Wolverine was named that because he was a combination of a wolf and a nectarine I will not be taking questions at this time.