guy inventing chess: this is an allegory for the medieval system of monarchy
guy inventing checkers: hoppity hop, hop hop hop
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“If you’re pregnant you can’t get pregnant, the same goes for getting arrested, can you lick this?”
I ask, trying to roll a joint in cuffs.
Me: *petting my cat*
My cat: yes, this is great. Ok stop. I said stop. YOU HAVE VIOLATED THE SACRED TREATY THAT HAS EXISTED BETWEEN MAN AND FELINE FOR A THOUSAND GENERATIONS AND NOW YOUR HAND WILL BE DESTROYED BY MY PAW KNIVES.
Showering is the worst. You mean I’ve gotta clean this body AGAIN? Has it been rolling in the mud? No. It’s been checking emails and watching Netflix. It is now unpresentably filthy. Stand in this loud wet box and confront your mortal vessel. You can’t even play a phone game.
I would never let MY child act like that.
-things my friends without kids say.
Having a heart-to-heart with our zoo’s laundry team about using our mooses’ antlers as drying racks.
Bartender: What’ll It be?
Stephen King: A novel at first, then a tv miniseries, then a movie.
Dude next to me in Oppenheimer kept sighing and then pretending to cover his eyes for like two seconds every time Florence Pugh showed up naked. He’d cover them, immediately look again, and then sigh like “she’s still naked??” repeat
Thor is definitely one of my top 5 favorite movies about hammers.
[tightening roller skates]
“stop worrying about me mom, I’m in a very dangerous gang, but we are really fast”
Dress for the job you want to sleep at
It was that very moment when we realized our shared love for multipurpose utensils brought us together & that’s when the sporks flew.
I’m becoming psychic. Looking at a dusty exercise machine and I see a yard sale in its near future.
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me: [lifts gallon] yea it’s easy
Wife: I mean from the store
Me: I would imagine it weighs the same there too
Preparing for my beach vacation by watching Jaws okay maybe this whole trip was a bad idea.
There are days & nights where I’m surrounded by profound Darkness, followed by a realisation that I need to stop wearing shades in my house.
Never ask anyone eating their meal directly out of a pot on the stove how their day was
Im making a fortune promoting home security systems.All I do is say “Hello”.At 3 in the morning sitting at the end of their bed.
One time when my 10yo was 18 months I took him to the library for story time and he rolled his toy car under a bookcase and yelled “oh shit”. The lady stopped reading and everyone turned to look at me and I didn’t go back to story time at the library again
“I’m constantly quoting myself. Like right now, for instance.”
I just said that.
Asked my height at the doctor’s office today. I confidently told the nurse 6 feet (as I have my entire adult life), and she responded with, “Well, I’m getting 5’11-and-a-half” in the obliviously cheery tone of someone who’s decided to rip somebody’s life apart on a Friday morning
Me: who’s a good dog? who’s a good dog?
Dog: i have a boyfriend
Them: you don’t strike me as a pacifist.
Me: yeah, that’s kinda the point
Debugging is like being the detective in a crime where you are also the murderer. Following the clues of an idiot
Might cry like a baby hoping to get scooped up by a dingo.
*watches a movie with you*
*loudly beeps during all the good parts*
Rich people are telling us their lack of bathing habits to try & discourage us from eating them
“Dude, do you NOT know what a collar on the doorknob means?”
baby moses: [crying]
mum: “why wont he stop”
dad: “throw him in the river lol”
mum: “okay”this is from a book called the bible
Starting a new job today.
I’m not sure what company, but it’s wherever this lady with the giant box of donuts is going.