I keep the peace. As a hoarder, I keep pretty much everything.
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When I was in college, my mother didn’t sleep with my math professor to pass the class, I did. Kids have it so easy now.
Always get double toppings on take out pizza so you can eat one of the toppings off as an appetizer during your drive home.
While a big fan overall, I always found the Chipmunks’ instrumental songs sort of pointless.
My new neighbor seems like a really nice guy. He just suggested trimming the trees that cover my bedroom window.
JEDI WHO INVENTED LIGHTSABER: ok its a destructive laser sword so maybe we shoudnt wear anythig too flowy
JEDI IN CHARGE OF COSTUMES: …OORR
When I’m angry I drink more coffee. That way I’m still angry but I also have to poop.
Imagine coming back to life as a zombie but someone tied your shoes together before you were buried.
JAMES BOND (to bartender): Martini shaken not stirred
ME (acting cool): bud light shaken not stirred *opens it & it just sprays everywhere*
Had a big lunch at Taco Bell. Off to the woods to prove a point.
My friend sent me an invitation to an “Interactive Murder Mystery Dinner” which is great because I’ve always wanted to decline one of those.
No thanks, fantasy football. I already have a fantasy boyfriend, a fantasy sex life & a fantasy bank account.
I’m good.
Hostage: [screaming]
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: [still trying to find the beginning of the tape on the roll]
Thank you to whoever has been keeping Keanu Reeves busy with a laser pointer for the last 10 years.
me: i need to a place to relax.
cruise ship director: say no more. i want you to imagine a giant office building on its side filled with thousands of people floating in the middle of the ocean.
them: PTSD
my brain: Pacific Time Standard Disorder
(Date)
“What’s wrong?”
Oh nothing I’m just a nervous hummer
“Aw how cute!!”
*perfectly hums the entire Jurassic Park theme at full volume*
Can’t, waiting for the DIY instructions on how to make ventilators from cauliflower.
Alexa: remind me to feed the baby
The fact that my AC suggests “church” after “I’m heading to…” suggests I have a dumb phone instead of a smart phone.
Stands at the gates of hell.
Waves to my mother in law.
Leaves.
Wife – “I can’t do this anymore. It’s either me or ur dinosaur themed hip-hop group”
Me – “well then I’m afraid I choose the VelociRapStars”
Hackers in movies think they’re so cool they can get any password in five mins flat. Well so can I. Just that it’s for my own accounts.
Her: What do you like about me?
Me: Your crippling self esteem issues have caused you to lower your standards.
Her: What?
Me: Your eyes
I’m glad we’re finally banning plastic straws. It’s about time we started caring about camels and their fragile backs
channeling her this year
“All I ever wanted to do is make a difference.” – Subtraction Man
I can’t come into work. I opened a cursed sarcophagus and now I gotta put a pharaoh’s soul to rest. I DUNNO, TAD, I’LL PROBABLY BE IN MONDAY
[Plays air guitar]
[Dodges air panties]
Before towels were invented people rubbed themselves against the carpet.