ME: I make all my decisions by rolling dice
DATE: Ok
WAITER: Can I get you any drinks?
ME: Yes I’ll have-
[rolls dice]
-six beers please
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Just opened a Christmas card and a Yorkshire Pudding fell out.
I love my Aunt Bessie.
ME: i have a separate stomach for dessert haha
COW: amateur
*Signs into Facebook
“If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve me at my best” is posted everywhere
*Agrees
*Deletes Facebook
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, check and see if she has a collar.”
judge: do u swear to tell the truth
me: dare
judge: what
me: i choose dare instead
judge: [whispering to bailiff] is that legal
When your prospective father-in-law asks:”Why do you ask for my daughters hand in marriage?”
Do NOT say:”Because I am tired of using my own”
For parents, college is the opposite of kidnapping. They demand $100,000 from you or they’ll send your kid back.
Hot sauce has plenty of vitamin C! *slaps orange out of hand
Last night I did Crossfit for the first time and now I understand why those people always look so angry.
“This joke wasn’t funny until the end” okay so that’s called the punchline…….
At the grocery. Wearing my mask. Lady behind me, snarky & loud enough to make sure I heard, “don’t guess she realizes that stupid mask won’t do any good.” Me: “Honey, I’m an off duty nurse, I’m wearing it to protect YOU. But, I can take it off if you’d like.” She practically ran.
Sorry but this is the best bird story I’ve ever read. The update is *chefs kiss*
Because of Gwen Stefani I can spell bananas so I wish she’d write a song where she spells restaurant.
If Nicole Kidman had a child with Gary Oldman, the child’s last name would be Middleagedman
Eggs come out of the carton left to right, buddy. Not all willy-nilly like some crazy person who hates America.
Left my phone in my 1yo’s room during his bedtime and snuck back in to get it. Then, left my phone in my 3yo’s room during her bedtime and snuck back in to get it. I am both winning parenting and losing my mind
me and my fake scenarios
when dads have a rap battle
To change the traffic light from red to green, pick up your phone and try to read a text on your cellphone.
[at wife’s funeral]
Son: At least shes in heaven now
Me: [delicately places hand on his shoulder] You don’t know shit about your mom
It doesn’t matter if you’re filming a segment for TV or not, if you’re hanging out with Tom Cruise, at some point you’re jumping out of a plane
a reese’s peanut butter cup but the inside is toothpaste
Gonna get my eye looked at today.. usually it’s the other way around
I’m asking my mom for a small loan by pretending to be a Nigerian prince.
Tried to back up today in a car without a rear facing camera. I killed seven pedestrians and three dogs.
My daughter asked me if I know how to do the Running Man, like my generation didn’t invent it. Anyway, that’s what brings me to the ER.
My 19 year old refers to the show The Blacklist as “The Adventures of Crime Dad” and now you will too.
You’re welcome.
pharaoh: make my tomb a giant triangle
architect: ah yes, the triangle shape is strong and sturdy & the sides will be sloped so you can symbolically climb into the afterlife
pharaoh: [thinking about using it as a giant slide] yes
“Today, my son asked “Can I have a book mark?” and I burst into tears. 11 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.”
good for her