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Save money this Halloween by utilizing last years’ hobo costume to dress up as this year’s federal employee.
I can still remember that one New Year’s Eve when I had too much to drink and peed in my neighbor’s bushes ten minutes ago
police: im sorry to both of you. your son set the school on fire.
parents: arson?
police: yes, your son.
When I was younger I wished Hulk Hogan would be the president. Now that I’m older I wish Hulk Hogan would be the president.
Stuck behind a school bus & locked in an intense staring contest w/ a kid at the back. I’m 45 min. off course but I’m not gonna let him win.
New research in early toy-purchase psychology has found that the majority of parents subconsciously hope their children become xylophonists.
ME: you’re acting strange what’s wrong
HER: oh I think I have a stomach bug
ME: ᵀᴱᴸᴸ ᴹᴱ ᴹᴼᴿᴱ ᴮᵁᵀ ᵂᴿᴵᵀᴱ ᴵᵀ ᴰᴼᵂᴺ ˢᴼ ᵀᴴᴱʸ ᴰᴼᴺᵀ ᴴᴱᴬᴿ
Toddler: *crying* where are my cheese pants!?
Me: your what?
Toddler: MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: I’m confused
Toddler: I NEED MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: *crying* someone help me
when i was in school i was doing my french speaking exam and i started crying cause i literally couldn’t do it and my french teacher said ‘it’s okay you’re not the worst, the girl before you answered the questions in english with a french accent’ and i could not breathe omg
Plastic bags are polluting our oceans so I always return mine to the forest
Cop: did you even see what that sign said?
Me: oh, no I don’t know sign language…
how much my patient talks about their healthy choices
▶ 🔘──────── 00:05how much my patient talks about their single daughter
▶ 🔘──────── 74:36:15
This week’s mood.
“bro it doesn’t work like a boomerang”
-my friend before getting knocked out by a flying croissant
only baby boomers will get this:
*pension*
*lights low
*her fingers tracing a scar on my arm
Her: How’d you get this?
Me: *softly I whisper* Are you familiar with Scrapbooking?
I really love how squirrels get extra chubby heading into winter mostly because it’s super relatable
I would be so good at soccer not due to athleticism but due to my keen intellect and my ability to think outside the box. Everyone would be like “Wow he’s using his hands. Nobody has ever thought to do that before”
[garden]
tomato plant: how’s your summer?
pepper plant: oh not bad, kinda small peppers this year
tomato plant: hang in there, i’m sur-
ZUCCHINI PLANT: I DOMINATE YOUR SKIES WITH MY FOLIAGE. MY MASSIVE FRUIT CONSUMES YOUR TERRITORY. MY YELLOW FLOWERS WILL BE AT YOUR FUNERAL.
I’m not super useful until I’ve had coffee, then I get jittery followed by a caffeine crash. At 11 I’m too hungry to think then I get post-lunch sleepies. By afternoon my brain is fried but for 25 minutes each day – I’m the best employee here and they’re lucky to have me.
I’m chaperoning a graduation party tonight. I have lots of fun activities planned.
I hope they like monopoly.
If your dog doesn’t come back when you call them just shout “Oh shit!” and look at the floor like you’ve dropped something
Saw Little Women. Totally misleading title. They stayed normal-sized the whole time. 2 stars.
It would be so much less cinematic if they remade The Crow but it was a movie called The Seagull and it’s just a guy who runs about screaming for no reason and steals people’s food.
1,000 Ways To Die is so unrealistic. There’s no episode where a man asks a woman ‘what’s wrong?’
Do assassins for hire offer holiday discounts? Comparison shopping seems a bit risky.
I hate these new video games that make you talk to other characters. The fact I hate conversations is the reason I’m playing video games.
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
What’s the normal amount of hair to mail someone? I feel like this is a lot of hair I’m mailing to someone