Yeah I do yoga.
Ninja Yoga.
I’m so good at it, you won’t even see me there.
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My neighbor said “I don’t watch football so I don’t know who Taylor Swift is, but he sounds fast.”
“You’re running into trouble requesting something because there’s a late book on your account.”
“See, this is why I don’t like using the library. It takes me time to read things! How long have I had it out?”
“I mean, about seventy-two months. But hey I’m all for pacing yourself.”
Tomi Lahren is pretty confident for a person whose first and last names are both misspelled
BOSS: There’s limited parking at the event so we are going to carpool
ME (pulling a pair of floaties out of my desk drawer): oh hell yeah
—What are we?
—Women!
—What do we want?
— We don’t know!
—When do we want it?
— Now!
Red light special: that smug look that you give the driver who was speeding and cut you off then ended up beside you at the red light.
No one would ever question Siri’s directions if she said them with more conviction. “Keep right, if you want to live.”
Yelp is a fun game where you try to guess between whether a restaurant is bad or a reviewer is crazy.
Why do we never see “Side effects may include spontaneous happiness, explosive giggling, uncontrollable hugging, and diarrhea”?
*bursts into starbucks*
Me: DO YOU GUYS HAVE A POWER OUTLET
Barista: yeah over there
Me: oh thank god
*plugs in a mechanical bull*
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
My toddler begged to go swimming and then threw a tantrum because she didn’t want to get wet in case you were on the fence about having kids
Life hack: If your FIL ever says, “Stop me if I’ve told you this,” take him up on it.
When I play the kazoo, I play to win
I don’t hold grudges. I pose with them.
[you get brutally murdered and the killer is never found]
somebody 30 years later watching a documentary about it: this show is awesome lol
Just overheard someone describe their hike as “it was like mountain climbing, but flat”
A peacock is just a chicken made by Versace.
How to grab a women’s attention:
1. Be a glass of wine.
4yo: Can I have some more Easter candy?
Me: After lunch
4yo: I want lunch right now. I’m starving!!
Me: We just ate breakfast
4yo: Starving!
It’s not the end of the world. But at least it’s a start.
Broke my ankle at 19 years old and didn’t miss a single day waiting tables. Last week I took 3 days off work because my cat had diarrhea.
Sesame Street: this is an educational show
Me: oh yeah? what type of bird is that
Sesame Street: *flustered* a big one
Women across the Twitterverse get random nudity requests, and I? I get a request for a voice note of me blowing my nose.
Sometimes when I’m sitting in a swivel chair, I’ll turn around quickly and smile and pretend I’m in the opening credits of a sitcom
No generation will ever be joked about as much as millennials.
Gen Z: Hold my tide pod…
My shetland pony was all black and we called him Midnight. His sister was not quite as dark and her name was Eleven Thirty.
I do this weird thing where I feel fabulous then I have to get out of bed
The other day my son asked me who picks up the seeing eye dog’s poop.
so many songs about heartache but only one about a werewolf loose on the streets of london??