Me: Go to bed
4-year-old: But I have questions!
Me: You’re stalling
4: I need to know!
Me: What?
4: What if I meet a talking doughnut?
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[Entering a dark forest]
“Listen. That’s the banshee wailing. One of us may not make it home alive.”
“Keening.”
“What?”
“Banshees keen.”
“You go first.”
“Dammit.”
Back in the day, with $2 bucks you could go to the store and walk out with a bunch of Doritos, and beer. Now they have security cameras.
Me to fly that won’t leave me alone:
there are gross things in the trash – why are you coming after me?
Mother’s Day is just an another made up holiday so the government can sell you more mothers
I bought a white bathrobe and splattered it with red paint just to freak out my neighbors when I go get the mail.
A Person Who Cares has informed me there’s a helium shortage, which I knew.
She said “it’s not just for balloons,” which I also knew.
She asked me if could even name three other uses for helium, which I did.
It was a tough day for A Person Who Cares.
The lottery gives you about a 1 in 200 million chance you won’t be going to work tomorrow. Alcohol will give you a 1 in 5. #PowerballFever
If you die* in your dream, you die* in real life.
*pee
“Honey, I’m pregnant”
“Are you kidding me?”
“That’s another way of saying it, I guess, yeah”
I seriously want my vet to be my primary care physician
Sir, the children at the petting zoo are unhappy. They think our animals are lame
*stares off into distance*
We’re gonna need a bigger goat
[phone rings]
“Is your refrigerator running?”
*looks over at fridge holding a lighter up to a spoon*
“I don’t know what he’s doing anymore.”
CURRENT MOOD: righteously angry, but there’s a cat on my lap
me: i’ll have the steak
waiter: this is a vegan restaurant
me: ok i’ll have the vegan
If my boyfriend really cared about me, he’d stop being imaginary…
(with the most anger i’ve ever experienced in my life) ok sounds good
indiana jones: time to explore ancient caves, fight nazis, and seek treasure
idaho jones: time to eat potatoes again
A service where I can hire a child actor to come to my home and pretend to love the cartoons I watched back in the day so my kids will think they’re cool and I don’t have to watch any of this new bullshit.
I just overheard some passing 8-year-old announce that after only two days of school he has already found a girlfriend, and now I have to unpack the fact that I don’t date at even a third-grade level.
My daughter put on a princess dress and asked if I had any “play pretend” outfits so I put on workout clothes.
It’s my Roomba’s birthday so I’m bringing him to the beach and I’m just gonna let him go crazy
English is kinda weird but I’m so glad it isn’t a gendered language. It is none of my business what gender bread identifies as.
Last night, I fell asleep with one of those new e-cigarettes in my mouth.I woke up half an hour later and my whole house was on the internet
Shoe Salesman: (taking measurements) looks like a size 10 would be a perfect fit
Ronald McDonald: I said (clenching teeth) bring me a size 44
There are 2 kinds of twitter.
I miss trying to seem sober to a bartender and just way overdoing it like “Excuse me good sire, may I please inquire as to the whereabouts of your bathing rooms?”
Not to brag but drunk me just decided to start taking pictures for sober me in the morning…
If your kids are big enough to get on a ride without help, I will fight them for the last carousel horse.
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
Wife: I wish you’d just admit when you’ve made a mistake
Me: *stirring my coffee serenely* I prefer it with salt