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I purposely bought a small house so I could say “I’m sorry, I don’t have any room”
Him: What’s in your secret sauce?
Me: My feelings for you.
*wink wink*Him: I knew it tasted weird.
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way
Mechanic [looking other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection
My 7yo decided to make his video game character “look like daddy” by making him a grumpy necktie-wearing gorilla covered with gray hair, and I’d be mad but honestly the resemblance is uncanny
My dog pisses on every election sign regardless of political party so I have no idea who he is voting for.
Mailman left a package on my porch labeled “Do Not Bend.” I can’t figure out how to pick it up.
Trimmed my eyebrows too short. Now every time I catch someone staring, I sternly say “my eyes are down here.”
Candy is dandy but Heather wears leather.
ATMs should have breathalyzers
Born again? No thanks. One trip down the birth canal was enough.
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
ME: I like nerdy girls.
HER: Did you know vultures have smooth heads for easier penetration to the entrails of a carcass?
ME: Yes. Exactly like that.
If you’re ever worried about what people think, just remember that people once thought smoking cured asthma. People are dumb.
everyone calm down they’re just doing a test run of the rapture
Me: Your conspiracy theory is stupid.
Me anytime something weird happens in my house: It was a ghost. It’s the only logical explanation.
does anyone know how to use nunchucks, I got a pair for xmas and I’ve just been swinging em around real fa
With the proper diet and lack of exercise, you can turn any jeans into skinny jeans.
They need to make a dating App. For couples who have that “3rd wheel” best friend.
It would be like a 3rd party Tinder with 2 References.
[meeting new people]
Them: so, tell me something fun about yourself
Me: *nervously* I don’t wear clown makeup usually
I love when people apologize for ‘not tweeting much lately’ as if veiled mourners were lighting candles for their immediate return
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a dolphin* shark
My bathroom scales need a new home. They weigh you 30 pounds over, and have slight damage from being thrown out a window, but aside from that, they’re fine.
JOHN LENNON: Love is all you need
ME: This guy knows what it’s all about
JOHN LENNON: I am the egg man coo coo ca chu
ME: OK scratch that
I’ve spent the better part of my day trying to figure out why “mustache” & “headache” don’t rhyme.
My last name is Zilla.
If she can do anything why is there no Money Laundering Barbie?
My kid woke up sick and told me he was gonna eat a bunch of junk food since ‘obviously vitamins don’t work’ and I think we should consider his position
my friends when i can’t do basic math
When the zombies finally come, I’m putting ”ORGANIC” stickers on all the vegans…
Y’know, to buy myself some time.
“I know she told me to buy Tampax, but I’ll buy the store brand that’s on sale instead.”
The last thoughts of a man who’s about to die.