90’s style insults need to come back.
Been itching to tell someone they need to go to the clue store to get one.
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The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
Netflix My bladder
🤝
Streaming on demand
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
[Dinner party]
ME: *holding a plate of empty shells* Boy, those oysters were filling.
HOST: MY TURTLES!
Eat healthy, but remember that greasy foods protectively coat your heart so it pops out of the fist of those who attempt to crush it.
The upside to wearing a mask at work is I can yawn in meetings and no one knows. The downside is I yawn so much I look like I’m crying
I RELATE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP BECAUSE OF THE ROMANCE AND NOT BECAUSE I UNDERSTAND HOW DIFFICULT IT IS TO EAT SPAGHETTI WITH A DOG MOUTH
Don’t buy a belt at the zoo, it’s just a snake trying to escape.
the pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on a pair of corduroys.
PERSON: Your baby is so cute
ME: Oh thank you
PERSON: They’re gonna be a real heartbreaker!
ME: Oh I hope not but thanks
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON: They’re going to devastate everyone who ever loves them
ME: Okay we gotta go now
Million dollar idea: make $100,000 ten times
“I’m calling you because you’re easy.”
“You’re not even very good.”
“You’re just the best I can do this late.”Dominos: “Your order, Sir?”
[Cat Businessmen]
“Geez, Phil, you look exhausted. Being a new father is tough, huh.”
*sighs* I only got 16 hours of sleep last night.
technically mixed martial arts can include tickle fighting
Doc- it appears that you take everything way to seriously. You need to get your shit togeth… Oh no, what are you doing! No! Stop!
This is ridiculous: “www” contains THREE TIMES more syllables than the phrase it is ‘short’ for, “world wide web.”
learn to swear in every language by watching the world cup at your local bar
Sunflower seeds: For when you want to have a snack while pretending you’re a cockatiel.
According to hotel AC, the difference between 72 degrees and 73 degrees is 40 degrees.
her: this isn’t going to work out
me: [mouthful of mashed potatoes] ith id bu-
her: yes it’s because of the mashed potatoes
My 3yo surprised me with a giant loving hug and then uttered those four magic words: “I did something bad”
i slept so well last night
guy about to invent wind chimes: lemme fix that
Me: I love it when I’m on top of his…
Friend: Sophie! There are kids here!
Me: Timeline. I was going to say timeline.
me: so what’s the policy on backpack snacks
skydiving instructor: absolutely not
Hello, I’m a professor in a movie, I only reach the main point of my lecture right as class is ending. Then I yell at students about the reading / homework as they leave.
*3am
Me: *thinking* That bird sounds pretty damn happy for the middle of the night.
Bird: *chirping* Dear God why can’t I sleep?!!!
Welcome to Twitter, someone with cat ears & whiskers will be along shortly to explain why you’re wrong.
isaac newtown got hit in the head & invented calculus. i broke my nose last night when I was drunk & invented a louder version of crying.
I still remember where I was when I found out that a serving of hummus is two tablespoons. I was on my second container of hummus.