Kids too energetic? Make them go on a walk with you and they’ll suddenly be unable to move any part of their body.
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The answer, my friend, is actually blowing in the wind plus 23.
Just once, I’d ike a cop to pull me over and tell me how great I’m driving, especially considering I’ve had 12 beers.
Tapping a clown on the shoulder and saying, “Tag, you’re IT,” is a great way to die.
The person who came up with “happily ever after” probably didn’t realize humans would live longer than 34 years.
May you never lose your sense of wonder.
Who called the feminine product brand “Always” instead of “Periodically”?
Startle and amuse your cat by replacing its kitty litter with Poprocks. (Ladies: feel free to share this idea on your pinny website thing.)
the CDC reading all the CDC tweets tomorrow
Me: I love holding your hands
Him, pulling at restraints: does it have to be behind my back
Remember back when you thought the movie “Idiocracy” was a satirical comedy instead of a documentary?
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
Four men having a little fun at an airport 😀
bias laundering edition
The Shining is my favorite movie about what can happen when you spend too much time with family.
Genie: *rubbing temples* you could have just asked for $300 in one wish
what
doctor: how often do you exercise
me: does sex count
doctor: yes
me: twice a day
doctor: with other living ppl?
me: why would you specify living
doctor: just answer
me: no I don’t exercise
Me: Nice new car, boss
Boss: Well, if you set yourself targets, work hard, stay focused, next year I’ll be able to buy an even better one
Me at 25: I would never date anyone who smokes.
Me now: I would never date anyone.
Got sad news today. After 7 years of medical training, my good friend has been struck off after one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients & now can no longer work in the job he loves. What a waste of time, training & money. A genuinely nice guy, and a great vet.
My dad just found out abt the Simpson’s predicting shit and it was the longest phone convo of my life.
Apparently, Indian banks will give you a loan only if you prove that you don’t need it.
NEWS: 1.3 million people die in car accidents a year
ME: [driving with my knees so I can put two hands on my burger] that’s hard to believe
Sorry I got confused & grabbed your fist bump like a doorknob.
My local cinema was broken into last night and goods worth £15,000 stolen: a packet of popcorn and a medium Coke.
Me: *considering sleeping in*
My dog: No no no no no let’s go let’s go let’s gooooo.
[eulogy] “Before we get started I’d like to ask Jenny, Dawn, Rachel, the deceased’s 2 sons and the entire front row to put down your phones”
I bought a new cat tree for my cats and they are just having the best time playing in the box it came in.
VITAMIN WATER: we’re like water, but with vitamins
ME: which ones
VITAMIN WATER: well sugar is a vitamin
ME: no it’s not
VITAMIN WATER: what about blue
“Is that a banana in your pocket or…a dead banana?” -Schrödinger