Valentine’s day is just about a month away so if you’re in love with me, now would be the time to speak up.
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If I could be a superhero, I’d be Aluminum Man. My superpower would be foiling crime.
Question – what’s the dumbest thing you did as a kid?
Me- Wished I was an adult
Life doesn’t do much to prepare you for when a coworker gets bangs and asks what you think of her hair.
Both hands Mommy!
-my 4yo the backseat driver.
Sure, being a lion tamer is dangerous but have you ever gotten a haircut while you had the hiccups?
when a bird is walking around on its little bird legs. it’s mocking you. it’s saying this is you. this is what you look like.
cop: this flat earther was ran over by a steamroller
detective: i guess you could say it’s [puts on sunglasses] really bright outside today
sex work?? sure does. there’s over 7 billion of us.
I bought my dog a new bed because apparently a living room full of furniture and a king size bed isn’t comfy enough.
[road trip]
Me: one more word out of you and I’ll turn this car right around!
Kid: but
Me: that’s it, BACK TO DISNEYLAND
Guess I missed the memo on National ‘bring your camel toe to work’ day.
Me: *plays video games to avoid my problems*
Me in game: *puts off main quest to avoid my characters problems*
*Working at Walmart*
Lady: Hi these Thanksgiving Turkeys are a little small. Do they get any bigger?
Me: No Ma’am, they are dead
I made the cats a very scary jack o’lantern with a vacuum cleaner on it.
*reads online that you should befriend your coworkers with some water cooler talk*
ME (to coworker): So, are you into water coolers?
Some church people knocked on my door and said they wanted to tell me about the afterlife. I told them I’m trying to avoid any spoilers.
Don’t let anyone treat you like yesterdays reheated spaghetti.
Once I started pronouncing baseline like Vaseline things just really fell into place for me.
I don’t wanna party like it’s 1999, I want to pay my bills like it’s 1999
Her: Get out, this is the ladies room!
Me: Oh please, If I paid attention to every sign with a picture on it I’d never get a parking place.
Don’t let the British accent fool you. I’m not saying anything smart
[sees my dentist in the store]
*really loud fake phone call voice*
me: ya I’m just picking up some floss cause I ran out probably because I floss every day idk
Oh I have Christmas spirit. The question is do I mix it with coke or do I drink it neat
Netflix, stop making me wait 15 seconds between episodes. I can’t click because I’m eating cereal and a sandwich.
boss: why are you so late?
me: why are you so obsessed with me?
*Babysitting my 7 year old nephew*
My sister: And don’t let him eat too much junk food. And don’t let him talk to strangers. And don’t let him stay up too late watching scary movies.
My nephew: Ok i’ll try.
I heard a photographer was killed in a freak accident when a large wheel of cheddar landed on her.
To be fair, the people who were being photographed did try to warn her.
I’m not looking for a TC, I’m looking for someone with a woodchipper who doesn’t ask questions.
Do you have hobbies, or did you decide on marriage instead.
My mom used a fire extinguisher on a portobello she was broiling for a sandwich that got too close to the flame. Took it out of the oven, but an hour later forgot about the fire, made the sandwich, ate it, panicked + called. The guy was laughing so hard he couldn’t answer her. 😂