Got excited because I found $20 in the laundry. Then I remembered my kids don’t have jobs and the money was probably mine.
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Follow, because I write books and you imagine I will impart great wisdom to aspiring writers. Unfollow, because I mostly tweet about squirrels and the dead mouse I found in the basement that one time.
You and your happiness can go straight to Walmart. Or whereever your “hell” is.
I’m not like other girls, I know when I’m being irrational. I don’t let it stop me, but still
If you love a balloon, set it free. If it comes back to you, it probably wasn’t a balloon.
It’s so ridiculous how I watch 1 documentary & falsely feel like an expert. I just know if someone yelled “OH NO! Can anyone interpret these ancient Mayan hieroglyphs?!” my brain would react like “It’s okay, everyone! Stand back! I saw a documentary once! I’ve got this!”
All the good ones are taken.
All the funny ones are fat.
All the smart ones are ugly.All the ones with all of the above are fictional.
Safe sex is stupid. Safes can’t get pregnant.
I’ll leave a to-do list on the table in case any of you stalkers get bored.
i said i was a “bawler” not a “baller” – i meant that i cry a lot
My daughter has written a homage to the chicken kebab. I am delighted. I wonder how my vegetarian husband feels about this..
What’s that? There’s a Harry Potter marathon on TV? Cancel all my plans!
My cat: Meow
Yes I know we have all the DVDs…
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
he had the eyes of a man who just dropped his ice cream
Parenting is a minefield. Just because they loved Hotel Transylvania doesn’t mean they’ll love The Shining. Lesson learned.
Best part about marriage?
NO MORE CONDOMS!!!
Worst part about marriage?
No more sex.
add excitement to your marriage by putting soap in one of the cast-iron pans
As a belated Valentine’s Day gift, I am leaving the country for a week.
My husband: how is that a gift if I have to take care of the kids alone?
Me: sorry I was talking to myself
Distance is my jam, solitude is my peanut butter.
saw a post asking “would you rather wear a fedora every second for the rest of your life, or every beverage you drink for the rest of your life has 2 drops of pee in it” and i thought the answer was obviously pee until i said this out loud to another person and saw their face
PILOT: we’ll be experiencing some cabin pressure changes
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: *sits down next to me* so have you thought about going back to school
In Japanese, a cat sitting compactly with all its legs pulled in under its body is affectionately known as KŌBAKO-ZUWARI—or ‘sitting like an incense box’. The English equivalent is a CATLOAF.
The Hello Kitty stickers on your woodchipper suggest that you’re whimsically murdery.
If you come across a bear in the woods, it’s best to just wipe it off and apologize.
Me (to 7): Son, we…
Wife (in earpiece): have to talk
M: Have to talk
W: about girls
M: About grills
W: NO
M: NO
W: IDIOT
M: IDIOT
[God Creating]
Lucifer: Make them wake up paralyzed sometimes
G: That sounds horrible
L: People will love it
G: Hm, I trusted you on spiders
I still wear a mask because I no longer remember how to control my facial expressions in public.
YouTube: hi. we see you’re holding the drum to the washing machine in place with your knee and a pair of pliers in your mouth . We’ll get to your how-to video in just a sec but first we’d like to show you 2 minutes of unskippable ads
Me: i’m so hungover.
Wife: what do you need?
Me: *groans* some hair of the dog.
Wife: *empties vacuum bag on me*
All I’m saying is, if boring people to death was a real thing, I’d be a dangerous man.
Fetch me my Twitter, Kenth. Time to see how many of my tweets went virus. Ah yes, here it is, none. That’ll be all Kenth. Same time tomorrow
The only way anyone should die is “mysteriously.” It just makes for better stories. “He lived a long, full life and died peacefully in his sleep.” Lame. Boring. A waste. “He lived a long, full life and disappeared in Panama, leaving enigmatic clues.” Excellent. Superb. No notes.