Police: Sir, you account is hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Police: No, bank account.
Me: Oh, thank god !!
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no actually it’s called an “african-american” eye, bud. and i got it cause someone beat the crap out of me for being too politically correct
Coffee is ready.
I put a Justin Bieber’s song as my alarm tone and it works wonders cuz I wake up before it goes off so I don’t have to listen to that shit.
airline clerk: your bag is over 50 pounds so that’ll be an extra $25
me: yes, of course *checks high school physics notes* money reduces the impact of gravity on mass
“Follow your heart,” as advice, is sort of like “abandon yourself to cognitive bias.”
Dude just told me that he’s washing his hands more because of that “Coca-Cola virus.”
I don’t stroke my beard to seem wise. I’m just trying to get the crumbs out before you notice.
Whaaa? You taste brides? RT MatrooKiBijlee: Bridal tasting was a success! The only thing I regret is not taking pictures. But still….”
My favorite sex move is the reverse fire fighter. That’s where you get him all hot & then climb out the window & drive away in his truck.
my coworker was wiping a stain off her jacket this morning and was like “never feed a baby in a suit,” and of course my first thought was “who dresses a baby in a suit”
Him, handing me a beer: One for the road?
Me: Sure.
Me, pouring it on the street: This seems wasteful.
[on a date]
*don’t let him know you’re a bird*Him: I’ll drive us. I just had my car cleaned and detailed.
Me: *poops all over windshield*
Me: I told you to pick up your clothes off the floor.
11-year-old: I did.
Me: They’re still on the floor.
11: Those are new clothes. I picked up the old ones
Me: I lost my virginity to Barry White.
Her: Really? What song?
Me: Song?
Word of advice.
If you forget to put on deodorant, sneaking into the walk-in freezer at work and holding your shirt up doesn’t solve the problem.
Also that creepy coworker will get even more creepier if you forget to close the door behind you.
spoke to a 93 year old retired english teacher earlier and she stopped me mid conversation to say “please don’t end your sentence with a preposition” ok! i actually don’t know what that is
Doctors who give out lollipops really treat their patients
I love when you look into someone’s eyes and you can just see their face light up because they are some sort of cyborg with face lighting.
My daughter was pretty pissed that someone called the cops, ending her party.
Whatever, I needed some sleep.
No parenting book prepared me for “trying to dry a papier-mâché model of a red blood cell in your oven at 6am”.
Big brouhaha at the farmer’s market today when the fishstand guy set up next to the candle lady and no one could smell her candles and her boyfriend the homemade soap guy tried to intervene but ended up buying a fresh cut salmon.
Some folks age like a fine wine. Meanwhile, Im aging more like a soggy cardboard box.
9yo: What age do kids go to normal jail?
Me: I’m not sure, I guess 18?
9yo: PHEW.
Me:
Dear 6-year-old me: As an adult you won’t need to know cursive but you will need an ability to type with your thumbs. The future is weird.
*gives your eulogy after inhaling helium*
“Children, try not to embarrass me at the supermarket,” I say to the 30 teddy bears buckled into my minivan.
As a kid my mom laughed at me because I was always worrying about being shot with a crossbow while on the toilet. Well who’s laughing now?
To the woman a booth over who said “There’s nothing worse than cold toast!”
I want your life.
welcome to Olive Garden! when you’re here, you’re family. sit up straight. have you gained weight? why can’t you be more like your sister
You guys are going to lose it when the Identity Theft Mosquitos get here.