Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: why, what have you heard?
You Might Also Like
What they say: “Wow, you’re really photogenic.”
What they mean: “Wow, this looks nothing like how ugly you actually are.”
I just ate a donut before dinner & told my kids I can cuz I’m an adult so they will see growing up is awesome & eventually leave home.
this could fix me
Removing the pots and pans quietly in the morning is the adult version of Operation.
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
Black Friday deals but at the pharmacy
I will disappear on you at a party and show up 3 hours later with bruises, no phone and a goat.
How to handle a one night stand the next morning:
1. Put on Titanic
2. He’s gone, that’s it
just pick it off the pizza, you won’t taste it
~ one of the many lies black olive lovers tell us
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a restaurant who ran out of garlic bread
Me: why don’t I have a gf
Him: have you tried asking someone
Me: no
Him: like her. Ask her.
Me [shyly, to her]: why don’t I have a gf
Facebook: Hey remember this pic of your dog that died?
Me: Damnit Facebook not now.
FB: Sorry…
FB: Your ex girlfriend is getting married.
Ever get up, put the dogs out, unclog the overflowing toilet the wife left for you, get dressed for work, let the dogs in and then wake up in the easy chair and find you’re 20 minutes late?
Just me?
who knew parenting would entail saying “pick that up off the floor” followed by “and don’t put it in your mouth” so often
Hear me out.
The first parent to school pick-up gets to pick the best kid. The well behaved one without the snotty nose.
The last parent to pick-up gets the feral child.
It’s a system I think would work.
I’m the guy that lures fragile old ladies into my windowless van at night with Werthers Originals.Then safley escort them to the bingo hall.
9 applied hot sauce to his cheek to cure sunburn.
*crumples up applications to Yale, UCLA, community college
SON: Why did mommy leave?
ME: You know how in your fav movie the t-rex fights the velociraptors even though it might die?
SON: Yeah
ME: She said that shit was fake yo
my niece thought her math teacher said “length, width, and death” so shes been runnin around all day screamig “THE THIRD DIMENSION IS DEATH”
Blind Date: SWEET JESUS I DONT HAVE ANY EYES
Me: Of course you don’t, you’re a date
Blind Date: WHAT
Me: Kind of like a big raisin
Marriage, Year one: I love watching you shave. You’re so cute!
Marriage, year ten: You leave whiskers in that sink one more time and I’ll drown you in it
BRUCE LEE: Be formless, shapeless, like water.
HARPER LEE: Things are never as bad as they seem.
PARSLEY: I am a stalk vegetable.
Me: Dammit I’m not gonna let you die on my watch
Her: *chokes* It’s too late
Me: *leans in close* Get off my watch. It’s a Rolex.
Answering every phone call, text and email today with,
“NOT TODAY, SATAN, NOT TODAY”!
For such a picky eater, I’m certainly not a picky weight gainer.
I remember when you could order a sandwich without having to identify all the traffic lights first
[puppy farm]
PUPPY: Crops look good this year
I’ve decided to stop wearing a very comfortable maternity romper I love. I figure it’s finally time, now that I’m 84 months postpartum.
A Tale of Two Cities 2: A Tale of Three Cities