My wife inexplicably waited to the last minute to tell me that my kids have dance class today.
So annoying when she does this every week.
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Cop: *kicks door open* it’s time to take out the trash
Cop’s wife: stop kicking the door
My nickname is Phantom Menace, because I also came out in 1999 and am not that popular.
Women are like angels, and when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly……. on a broomstick, we’re flexible like that
I’m a Florida 4, but a Walmart 6, so I’m a Florida Walmart 5.
Just accidentally spilled my cat’s food all over the floor and his reaction was…. a lot 😂
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
[me, hearing an audience booing] STOP APPROPRIATING GHOST CULTURE
“I have to eat every 7 minutes or I get cranky.”
“Ma’am, that’s not a valid reason to be excused from jury duty.”
I’m proud to say my dog was a rescue.
He was behind this terrible fence.
In my neighbor’s yard.
My 13 year old doesn’t speak when she picks up the phone. She just listens and hangs up. I think she’s going to be a hitman someday.
“we’re broke? how is that possible?”
(extremely high pitched voice)
no idea
“did you-”
*opens closet & hundreds of helium tanks fall out*
The problem with the exclamation point & question mark being side by side on a keyboard:
I’m so sorry your grandma died?
I love you?
Michelangelo: Why are you naked?
Me: How else are you going to sculpt me like you did David?
Michelangelo: Dude, I’m a ninja turtle!
[date]
“don’t let her know ur from twitter”
Her: whats wrong?
Me: This fork only has 3 prongs
Her: So?
Me: it should be called a threek
Real women have curves!!! Real women have spirals!!! Real women are plump and covered in a creamy sauce wait nope thinkin of pasta
Now that it’s fall, I’m considering encouraging my wife to find a boyfriend so I get some free hoodies.
you know what’s a waste of time? when you call a medical office and their message starts with, “if this is a life threatening emergency, please hang up and call 911” … if you didn’t learn that by the age of 4 then who are we to interrupt natural selection?
*Plot Twist*
Your dog loses his mind with excitement when you leave for work instead of when you get home.
Toddlers and Tiaras: Fat, sexually frustrated soccer moms invest their husband’s money in ruining their daughter’s lives.
The only thing I do to get my body ready for summer is make sure my AC is serviced.
The department of wildlife got back to me and said there’s nothing they can do about the size of crows.
Remember when Saturday Morning cartoons would start to end and the live action shows you didn’t like as much started to come on, but you still half-heartedly watched?
That’s Twitter now.
It was love at first sight. Then she mentioned she didn’t drink. Thus ended the shortest relationship of my life.
HER: have you decided where you’re going to live
ME: I’m still on the fence
HER: that’s why I asked
Dropped a pea in my apple juice and my daughter couldn’t wait to tell me that I was drinking pea.
they told me to make myself at home so i moved their silverware to the more logical drawer
[Friday morning meeting]
Me: *dressed in a hockey mask and carrying a big knife*
Boss: Nice Friday the 13th costume.
Me: It’s Friday the 13th?
[Confessional Booth]
Me: My favorite sins are sins of the flesh.
Priest: FAVORITE SINS?!
Me: Why are you yelling? And gluttony, gluttony is a close 2nd.
My friend called me from a private number last night so I just returned the favor by knocking on his door with a ski mask on.
[Wife watching news]: The tuxedo store was robbed. Know anything about that?
Me in super frilly tux: Nope
*Dog walks in also wearing tux*