8yo: daddy what’s your best talent?
me: hmm I don’t know, maybe being a dad?
8yo: no that’s not it
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Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this
jesus: hey dad
God: hey
jesus: happy Father’s Day
God: thanks bud
God: hey listen man so im gonna need u to die on a cross
Caesar: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus: We told you not to wear Crocs.
By all means, autocorrect, let’s respond to my mother’s “Good morning” text with “God, moron.”
The scene from The Exorcist where she’s tied to the bed cursing like a sailor, but it’s me when getting a Brazilian.
My niece just said “Birds live in a birdhouse & we live in a people house!” Cute, huh? Wrong; my niece is 26 & on trial for manslaughter.
*first date*
Yep. I like all the things.*fourth date*
And that, Sandra, is why I would not hesitate to kick a pigeon.
Let me tell you something about how smart kids are these days. Child took my phone and aimed it at my face real quick so it unlocked then jumped on my SpongeBob game before I realized what was going on. That’s sleuth shit.
[commercial for soup]
NARRATOR: ever wanna drink a sandwich?
Very few people will notice the possum in this picture because they’re so good at hiding
Just installed an egg cannon on the hood of my car. Flipping people off and cursing at them just doesn’t satisfy me anymore.
*puts eight small cups of urine on the nurse’s station*
Nurse: We only need one.
*puts seven small cups of urine in my purse*
Just one more chapter! (via @someecards)
I’m getting arthritis in my pinky finger which is making it painful to drink tea in my upper-class social circles.
My daughter had a friend who comes over that makes my other kids look less weird. I wish she was here more often.
Indiana Jones: why does it have to be snakes
Ron Weasley: why does it have to be spiders
me: why does it have to be family get-togethers
Me, listening to Pachebel: I am the embodiment of peace.
Rage, inside me: Let me divert your attention to the growing pile of unwashed dishes in the sink.
My family: u about to go to work???
Me in my work clothes:
No handshakes?! Then how am I supposed to know when the mating ritual is over?
Me: this pot sucks
Wife: *surrendering any remaining hope of future joy* no the other kind of pot roast
twice now the building diva has stormed off angrily after i spoke up in defense of myself, she gets one more, then i unhinge my jaw and finish her.
CW: How was your weekend?
*finds nearest object*
“Hello?”CW: Are you talking to a stapler?
“I’m sorry, I have to take this.”
Welcome to the middle age, there is no more a 5 second rule coz who tf can lift stuff in 5 seconds
hey guys I’m having a tough time deciding who to believe. On one hand, the most prestigious doctors in the world are saying COVID-19 is something to take very seriously. But at the same time, this guy I went to high school with who “sees through the media” says otherwise. help 🥺
The guy who discovered boomerangs must have been terrified
Humans use the term “invasive species” like somebody invited them to all 7 continents.
Friend: Good for you for working out.
Me: I said I done squat today.
3 y/o, sobbing : I’VE JUST SWALLOWED MY SUPERMAN TOY!
Me: Ok calm down. I know exactly what you’ve got to do.
3 y/o: what?
Me: You’ve got to search for the hero inside yourself.
Smallpox sounds so adorable
My idiot doctor tried to tell me I had a concussion, so I told him triangle bananas.