Dear mother:
I have survived the second bot purge. The humans dont seem to suspect. They’ve welcomed me into their circles. I must be careful now.
Love to you and father,
Martha
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[walking into museum]
i must read each and every description, really soak up the history
*after 20 minutes*
can i sit on this or is it art?
What the world needs is a self help movie, cause lets face it, most of us won’t buy the book.
Any yard can be a graveyard if you put a body in it
We shouldn’t send our trash into space, that’s how you get space raccoons
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
Dogs Barking at Night Translated
Dog 1: Hey! I’m a dog!
Dog 2: No way! I, too, am a dog!
Dog 3: Ok, you guys aren’t going to believe this…
YOU CAN’T KICK ME OUT OF THE INTERNATIONAL HOUSE OF PANCAKES LINDA I HAVE DIPLOMATIC IMMUNITY
In the bathroom:
Me: *Meticulously manscapes*
Plumber: “Please don’t do that while I am in here.”
I don’t usually sing Adele, but when I do, it’s usually on the toilet in the middle stall in the men’s washroom at work.
Asking me for advice is like asking broccoli to fix your bicycle.
Them: I know you mean well –
Me: I absolutely do not
Award for the best actress goes to my 7YO for her performance as a starving deprived child right before bedtime
Wife: WHY ARE YOU STANDING IN THE KITCHEN NAKED.
Me: Who cares? I’m on a conference call. No one can see.
Boss: Rod can you mute your phone please.
How are there more Canadians on Twitter than in Canada?
gonna mess with my husband by texting “send nudes” when he’s in a work meeting
ME: *watching a meteor shower
METEOR: Can you get out of my bathroom.
*94K tweets later* I’m really a very private person
I have some cake and now I’m eating it too. Not seeing the problem here.
Remembering that period of time when everyone was hella into parkour, fell onto concrete once, and never tried again.
The officer said, “you drinking?” I said, “you buying?” We just laughed and laughed.
I need bail money.
😂💯
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
the worst part about looking for the bathroom in the wrong part of a restaurant is walking back past everyone you just passed. now everyone knows 2 things about you: you have to pee and you are lost, like a toddler
My wife wants me to go to Zumba with her. I am hopeful that this is a place to get burritos.
its embarrassing that 90% of my Google history is just words I wasnt sure how to spell, and yes I googled embarrassing.
doctor looking at his iPad: oh no, this isn’t good …
Me: give it to me straight doc what is it
doctor: well, I forgot my wifi password
I set a rat trap last night & this morning the cheese was gone & there was a picture of my kids in it, what does this mean
No, I was not playing with myself during the zoom meeting. I was petting my dog
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.