Dog: I have to go outside.
Me: Okay.
Dog: I really really need to go outside.
Me: Okay okay I’m coming.
Dog: YOU NEED TO TAKE ME OUT NOW.
Me: OMG I’m right here let’s go.
Dog: Hold on I have to stretch for ten minutes.
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Yes, I’m at the gym, but I also have donut crumbs on my shirt because BALANCE.
My therapist says I’m making progress but that’s only because I lie to her
Guy at the Xmas tree farm: When you bring it into your house, you need to let it stand in the corner of the room for a while to relax and acclimatise.
Me: Same.
just had a salad but it didn’t make me laugh like women in stock photos
[Jr. Biology class, girls in jumpsuits burst in]
OK, who’s ready for fun? We’re The Photosynthesisters & we’re gonna talk 2 U about PLANTS!
I like running because it’s cheaper than paying for a gym membership. If the gym wants the money I owe them, they’ll have to catch me.
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I’m the universal blood donor type but I never donate blood?
Wife: no, it’s because of your terrible grammatical errors in everything you write.
Me: [whispers] type-o.
Me: I am forever in your debt
Bank manager: That is accurate
Not to brag, but several of my tweets have been described as ‘unfortunate’.
Marriage Tip: Always be dumber than your spouse at math so you don’t have to help your kid with his math homework.
They should make a sequel to that movie Clueless with just me trying to find the clitoris.
I used to wave my hands in the air like I just don’t care, but now I just wave them because I get more steps on my FitBit
*judge bangs gavel*
Ok let’s reconvene after a quick 20 min recess
*immediately knocks over defense attorney to get to the slide first*
My MIL is savage. She got into an argument with her husband while we were staying at their house, and when I posted photos of our weekend with them, she liked each of my photos except the one he was in.
Brilliant!
u know that video of lions hugging that man after seeing him for the first time in several years. that’s what the raccoons do whenever i visit the dumpster behind my college dorm
If you try and fight South Park they will just turn around and do another episode about you. 😬
It’s not enough to get up at 8 am & freeze on the soccer field. One must also scream from the sidelines so everyone knows you care.
Today I found out my nephew is scared of the vacuum..
Today I also found out I have a very dark cruel evil side to me..
my wife and I watching Popeye together but she covers my eyes during the scary bits (when he goes all bulgy and gets belligerent)
The auto parts store is like ‘get our free app’ as if I’m buying parts everyday. I only need this one thing.
When you get to Customs and they ask if you have anything to declare, “Thumb War” is not the answer they were looking for.
My boyfriend is so rude. He hasn’t even introduced himself to me yet.
Thanks for wishing me a Happy Monday, you’ve changed my entire outlook. I don’t hate Monday anymore. I hate you. Happy New Sworn Enemy.
Ran down the stairs without a bra on and my husband thought I was clapping. I was not. I was not clapping.
“Are you making the aquarium pets fight again?”
“NO,” I exclaim, quickly putting Octopus Prime and MegaPrawn back into the tank.
Yesterday my daughter asked how babies are made, and I gave such a terrible explanation she now thinks babies come from eggs.
I am fluent in three languages…english, sarcasm, and profanity
Is it too late to drop myself off at the fire station?
My bra is off, my pajamas are on, my hair is up. I’m not sure if I’m going to bed, or to Walmart.