I might carry a baby with one hand.
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Girls are shit with birthday gifts you’ll hint for a Rolex all year & she’ll turn up with a jar that’s filled with 22 things she loves about you lol
Who decided to call them “wedding vows” instead of “veiled threats”?
*bites off stem and rolls apple into hospital lobby
Him: What dat mouf do?
Me: Talk a lot of shit and eat fried chicken.
I’m going to need to see a warrant before you look through any pictures on my phone besides the one I show you.
Think I left the oven on, better turn around
-me, leading a wagon train
Wife: honey the kitchen really needs an update
Me: consider it done love
*hanging this year’s calendar on the fridge*
Sad to think that the Grandma from the Nutty Professor is probably dead by now.
Hey girl, do you like bad boys?
[drinks milk from carton]
Or REALLY bad boys?
[eats spoonful of yogurt one day after expiration date]
those birds must be on payroll
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
Mom 1: That’s my little boy on first base
Mom 2: Mine’s pitching.
Me: That’s my son spinning around in the outfield singing “Let it Go”.
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
“His house was clearly on fire but he thought he had time to hit the snooze button just once.”
-an obituary
I wonder if deer are sometimes like OMG THE TREES THAT SMELL LIKE MOUNTAIN DEW ARE SHOOTING AT US
I want to re-home a dog. Small terrier, tends to bark a lot. If interested let me know and I’ll jump over next door’s fence and get her
The scariest part of Psycho is when she gets in the shower and THEN turns it on.
A friend sent me this.
Instead of getting any work done on my face, I’m just going to pull my hair back into a really tight ponytail.
Why did the Fresh Prince have to take a cab anyways? How shitty was that family that no one would pick him up from the airport?
[HS reunion]
FRIEND: Heard from Billy Adent? He vanished after grade school. Do you know if he moved?
ME: [flashback to not unfreezing him during freeze tag because he said I smelled like milk] HE BETTER NOT HAVE!
[panting, 5 minutes into sex] It’s okay, just go on without me
Be romantic. Send her a dozen of red flags 🤨
Fly wife: Notice anything?
Fly husband: …
Fly wife: Seventeen thousand eyes and not one spots my new haircut
*searches through desk for granola bar, can’t find it*
OK WHO STOLE MY *remembers eating granola bar yesterday* HEART? ALL OF YOU, THAT’S WHO.
I never knew the word “mom” could even have 7 syllables until I had kids.
Me: Let’s get married secretly, and not tell anybody!
Her: Yea, but what if we have a baby?
Me: Well, we’ll tell the baby…
date: I’m sick of bad boys, I want something more
me: *puts Bad Boys 2 into the VCR* this is gunna blow your mind
Left my phone in my 1yo’s room during his bedtime and snuck back in to get it. Then, left my phone in my 3yo’s room during her bedtime and snuck back in to get it. I am both winning parenting and losing my mind