[Swims out to Sea]
*sees shark*
OH NO!
*dolphins save me*
Thanks dolphins!
*dolphins ask for a tip
[I’m broke]
*they return me to the shark*
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Hotel California reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Such a lovely place”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Plenty of room. Excellent check out”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Can’t leave”
The good thing about a seven hour meeting is you can get a full night’s sleep.
teach a man to fish and he’ll turn around and try to teach you to fish like he invented it and you’re an idiot
sleep researchers agree that it may sound fun to set a favorite song as your wakeup alarm, but it will quickly make you hate the song. That’s why the scientific consensus is for everyone to use Drops Of Jupiter instead
Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
I love in films like 300 where the main guy will say something like “get some sleep, for tomorrow we battle to death”, and everyone just goes into deep sleep, in some wet grass, fully clothed. I can’t get to sleep in a warm bed if I have a 10am conference call about content.
House Hunters:
“We want a slide, cheeseburgers, a clown.”
Realtor: Are you describing McDonalds?
“haha no”
*3 kids tumble out of trenchcoat*
No thanks Black Friday crowds.
I do all my Christmas shopping online in a blind panic, as God intended.
[Antiques Roadshow]
This mirror frame is a classic Victorian style, but the ghosts in the reflection are wearing Edwardian clothes so the glass was likely replaced
I long for the days when waking up with a “stiff one” wasn’t referring to my lower back.
kid: dad see i’m dressed as you for halloween
dad: nice buddy *handing suitcase to kid* have fun at work
kid: i didn’t-
dad: *tossing keys* easy on the clutch
You should see the confused look on the produce clerk’s face when I ask where I can find kale and then walk in the opposite direction that they’re pointing to.
school taught me a lot of useless stuff but nothing tops state capitals. if i’m ever in a career that depends on me knowing where Delaware’s governor works i have made some serious missteps in life
Interstellar (2014) – A widower utilizes mankind’s greatest technology to get as far away as possible from his kids.
Therapist: What brings you here today?
Me: I’m a middle child.
Therapist: I see, classi..
Me: In between two sets of twins.
Therapist: *on intercom* Sheila clear my week.
What idiot called it the “number of Police Officers in the Precinct” and not the “Copulation”
her: we should get a labrador
me: idk seems like ppl with those go blind
Who are the people getting up and scanning QR codes off the TV??
I used to think the cat was dumb for staring out the window, waiting for birds, but I’d probably stare too, if occasionally a pizza flew by.
Me: You should know I’m alliterate
Her: You mean illiterate?
Me: No, not necessessfully
I’ll never rob a store because I don’t want to see the police guess my weight on a wanted poster.
You know where I’d like to go?
Missing
Anyone can be a sword swallower at least one time
Texts “Are you okay?” Blink 3 times. No need to reply.
My wife gave me a hairband for my messy hair, and since morning twice I’ve tried to bring it down thinking they’re my reading glasses
HER: let’s be open about how we really feel. I’ll go first I love you.
ME: Ok well… I really, really, don’t want Naruto to end
HER: wtf?
Date: so where do you see yourself in ten years?
Me: (remembering women like commitment) living happily with a wife (remembering women like mystery) whose murder remains unsolved
Wine doesn’t have many vitamins. That’s why you have to drink a lot of it.
The opposite of Iceland is water water
Isn’t is weird how we have one million dog breeds and everyone is like “goldendoodle” this or “chihuahua mix” that and if you ask someone what type of cat they have it’s just like “an orange one”