technically true but not a great slogan
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When my 9 year old gets off the phone with his girlfriend, I’m going to ask him for some dating advice.
Him: These candles are so romantic!
Me: They’re necessary for my human sacrifice ritual.
The Birdles
work smarter, not harder
Announcer: “Welcome to the Super Bowl 50 Halftime Show. Are you ready to rock?!”
[crowd goes nuts]
A: “Well too bad, here’s Coldplay”
The calories in food given to you by someone else don’t count, right?
[Me being beaten to death w/ can of frozen veggies]
“Oh peas no!”
[WHAP]
“Why u bean like this?”
[SMACK]
“Don’t u carrot all?”
[CRACK]
mom: you waste your money on stupid stuff
me: you’re right. btw how’s that panini press working out?
mom:
me: making a lot of paninis with that thing?
Women shouldn’t work outside the home. It’s STEVE Jobs, not EVE Jobs.
[bank robbery]
“Todd, where the hell is the getaway car?”
TODD: *zooming up on a Segway* FOSSIL FUELS ARE RUINING THIS PLANET, GARY
My wife just found a coupon for lice treatment and yelled to everyone in the house “if you’re gonna get lice, people, get it now!”
“I’d like a bowl of soup please.”
“Any sides?”
“I hope so, or it’ll go EVERYWHERE.”
After dieting for a week and losing nothing, I cheated one day and gained a pound. Follow me for more reasons to run into a brick wall head first.
My husbands jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day he looked at my calendar and wanted to know who June was.
“Welcome… To Jurassic Park.” “But some of these dinosaurs are from the Cretaceous Period–” “WE ALREADY MADE THE SIGNS”
Dragons don’t breathe fire they breathe air like us they breathe air they just produce fire which isn’t the same as breathing fire no stop I’m not done stop taking the microphone I’m the best man you have to let me finish my
The craziest thing about teaching is how you will straight up meet doppelgangers of previous students. Choking back telling them to get outta here. I taught you already
Do you smoke after sex?
Person looks down…”I don’t know, I never checked.”
me: *drinks coffee with protein powder, does bicep curls, flexes fingers*
pickle jar: oh oh
*requests Uber* *climbs in backseat*
Uber driver: “Where to?”
Me: “oh, nowhere. I just don’t like to change my diaper in the street.”
Outdoor heaters, because some people like to do their global warming directly.
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Cradles bread in arms, accepting this step into motherhood*
[assigning roles]
god: the sun shall fuel all life on earth
sun: sounds good
god: and the moon shall make tiny waves and werewolves
moon: hell yes
Interviewer: Have any personal mantras?
Me: Absolutely! [thinks to self…banana to mouth not mouth to banana] Make friends with change✨
[restaurant]
RACCOON (in trench coat): one egg
WAITER: one egg? *suspicious* you’re not from around here, are you?
RACCOON: t-two eggs?
WAITER: ah yes, that’s a normal quantity of eggs
RACCOON: *excitedly* five eggs!
WAITER: *eyes narrow*
They’ve postponed the Olympics, so I’m going to back off the intensity of my workouts.
Satan: I’m bored. Let’s keep telling her that’s not her password.
I learned the name of my neighbor’s dog today.
In other news, I now have free wifi.
What did the bra say to the hat? “You go on a head, I’ll give these two a lift.” (I’m back to silly jokes. Probably for the best.)
It’s a doge eat doge world out there. Such cutthroat. Very survival of the fitter