I like dating chicks with kids, because snacks
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I have two dogs, one dominates, the other is a subwoofer.
I was reading a book with my 7yo where a teacher was getting married and INVITED ALL HER STUDENTS and then the students started SECRETLY PLANNING THE WEDDING to help out and I was so stressed out like “wtf, how is this gonna pan out, these kids don’t know how to hire a band”
ok, i’m calling bullshit on Ariel singing underwater
I’m “don’t flash your headlights at someone who doesn’t have theirs on bc they will come and kill you” years old.
One time a girl told me to take off her shirt and I was like wow ok it doesn’t really fit me anyway.
Yup.
The hardest part of having multiple kids is explaining why only your first child has a baby book.
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If you complain about not being able to find your boyfriends name on a keychain that store will think you have a boyfriend
“This isn’t my first rodeo.” He said, confidently. “Now help me get on this pointy cow.”
You ever eat fish and chips at the aquarium and get the feeling you’re being watched?
My wife asked me today if I would ever cheat on her. I replied, “Who else would I cheat on?”
Ex: Do you ever think of someone else when we have sex?
Me: No, it’s always George Clooney.
Parent pro tip: Beware of the child who cleans their room without being prompted. They are about to ask to borrow money.
TIME TRAVELLER: No
WAITER: You guys ok? Do you need anything?
Friend: How was your job interview?
Me: I think I hugged him too long.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a guy, on the side of the highway reciting the alphabet backwards and trying to walk a straight line.
Is it just me or does this cat look like someone’s grandpa
Receiving multiple letters of complaint from the deer in my area. Apparently the deer whistles I put on my car were the sexist kind. I had no idea.
SCIENTIST: if we feed cows seaweed we can slash greenhouse gas levels
[later]
SCIENTIST [watching dead cows float in the ocean]: well shit
Her: I like dogs
Me: *dies in 10-13 years*
[frog-condom sales meeting]
frog 1: our numbers are down, how can we make the condom more enjoyable for our customers?
frog 2: rib it
frog 1: Andrew, you’re a goddamn genius
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
I don’t know about eating 8 spiders a year but I’m definitely eating kilos of dog fur.
-I heard this dog was chipped.
-Microchipped sir.
-I don’t care how small the chip is, I’m not paying full price.
Being unable to recreate this high is why we all have depression.
Her: I haven’t had sex in so long, I miss it
Me: Well we could…
Her: Not that much.
hi yes i’d like a vodka salad please
“you mean a bloody mary”
yeah yeah whatever just hurry it up
Did you ever ask your parents what went wrong, people named Lasagna?
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.