Australia: geologist beaten up by “angriest octopus” on beach
You Might Also Like
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I like to stab them with a pen and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
I think I speak for all of us when I say I’m being presumptuous.
In 3rd grade I cheated off my friend Rena’s test because I didn’t know where Washington DC was. Turns out she didn’t know where it was either.
shoutout to sookie stackhouse. she resisted eric northman for 3 seasons whereas i would have had my neck exposed, ready to be sucked like a capri sun as soon as he looked my way
Southerners don’t use contractions like “y’all” and “young’n” out of laziness. Most of us are just too poor to afford entire words.
(First date)
Just act like he’s not here.
Date: …
Husband: …
*turns on the passenger seat warmer, for the pizza
Some of you are too young to remember taking pictures and having to wait for the bird in the camera to chisel the image out on a stone slab and it shows.
Just landed my first triple axel tripping over the cat
“Where’s the pizza?”
“What pizza?”
“Sicilian, extra cheese.”
“Haven’t seen it.”
“The app says it was delivered.”
“Look, I don’t know what to tell you.”
I’ve never simultaneously loved something so much and wanted it to shut up as badly as I do with my kids.
OFFER
FINAL OFFER
BEST & FINAL OFFER
LAST & FINAL OFFER
SMART & FINAL OFFER
FINAL OFFER TOKYO DRIFT
Ok, it’s nearly 3.30 am here, someone give me some good sleeping tips! If I don’t answer you know they’ve worked!
I’ve dated a vegetarian, trust me, they put meat in their mouth.
[dog catches me bringing a box of fireworks in the house]
Me: Oh hey buddy, this isn’t what it looks like, okay.
The person who came up with “happily ever after” probably didn’t realize humans would live longer than 34 years.
The struggle is real! 🤣 #Cats #CatsofTwittter
Crazy sister put: “I had a child very young so I had to mature quickly” on her resume once. Put her email address as MONKEYTUSHIES87 too.
Fox News and Facebook did to our parents what they said video games would do to us.
What do the Quiet Place aliens do when the 17-year cicadas emerge and start screaming?
How do you ask a friend if she’s a human-reptile hybrid, but as a compliment? She never sweats and that’s for sure a third eyelid.
So my dog’s pregnant & she’s never been in contact with another dog & I’m having a lot of accusations thrown my way.
[crime scene]
ROOKIE COP: but why would a chicken kill himself?
DETECTIVE: *lowers shades* to get to the other side
*rookie cop vomits*
You wanna hot body?
You wanna Bugatti?
You wanna Maseratti?
Then this is an intervention you NEED to stop listening to Britney Spears.
If I ever make plans with you, please have backup plans.
I just come here for the free life advice and inspirational quotes from people who’s lives are complete train wrecks.
Theft insurance for my iPhone? Nope. I bought a protector that makes it look like a little book. Nobody steals little books.
I asked 4 if she was excited to start school and she said she doesn’t need to go to school bc she already know lots of words and if she runs out she can just make them up
Went to back to school night and saw a poem my daughter wrote and she said our house was clean so now she gets cupcakes for dinner.