Is it ‘My wife and I’ or ‘Me and my wife’? Anyway, we just robbed a liquor store
You Might Also Like
Gonna show my mom this article when she tries to wake me up early every day this week
Amazon Prime: Free 2-Day shipping
Amazon Subprime: Loads package into trebuchet and shoots it in the general direction of your house
Amazon PrimePrime: Lets you live in the warehouse
If I could hop as high as a frog in relation to the size of my body that would not be a very safe or useful superpower but goddamn would it be fun
My wife is such a bad cook,if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.
Me: I really can’t stay
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: I’ve got to go away
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: Just let me go!
Manager of Hotel California *walks over* is there a problem?
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter
Talk to the hand. The hand is lonely and needs some company. What are you up to? How’s work? You look great. You want some tea?
If you want to receive a text message every 3 minutes for an hour, send your husband to the grocery store.
Walk up in the club like “THIS IS MY JAM” handing out small jars of my homemade raspberry preserves
Went onto the patio and found out that my daughter is in the process of making fake dog doo with insulating foam sealant. Do I ask or just let nature take its course? #QuarantineCrafts
My OnlyFans is just me loading the dishwasher correctly.
I was really happy when Miss 10 came in especially to see me when I was feeling unwell the other day. She looked at me and asked is the cat in here and left.
LUKE: any weekend plans?
OTHER JEDI: I’m probably gonna do yoga
LUKE: omg I have to warn him
The best argument for “the sequel is never as good as the original” is birds v. dinosaurs.
“Daddy, I want to watch Dora.” Sweetie this is Dora. It’s the one where she plays an NBA basketball game against the Brooklyn Nets
*pushes math homework away in 1990*
I’ll never need this
*getting yelled at by subway customer in 2014*
I WANT THE BREAD CUT LIKE A RHOMBUS
{Me as a therapist}
HIM: Women don’t like me.
ME: Have you tried becoming a dress with pockets?
[Star Wars Episode VII scene]
Princess Leia: I love you Han.
Han Solo: *favs but doesn’t reply*
I’m sorry I said your baby looks like a hairless hamster. But in my defense, you shouldn’t have had a hairless hamster for a baby.
when someone tries to make you take a photo facing the sun bc it’s good lighting
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
[God Creating Raccoons]
God: make a panda but a trash panda, then give it a mask so that people would know it will kill them for their food
6, holding a pic of me pregnant with him, “Why are you SO FAT?”
Me, “You’re inside my tummy.”
6, “That’s DISGUSTING.”
Me, “It gets worse..”
Squid really does seem like the perfect name for that thing
Met the daughter’s new boy friend. Grabbed his crotch and whispered ‘looking forward to tonight’s three way’… And that is that.
Shut up & eat. There are people starving in Abercrombie & Fitch.
“Single use consumables are destroying the planet,” I yelled at her as I tossed another condom into the washing machine.
Pandora has spoiled me. Five seconds into any conversation and I’m looking for the thumbs-down button.
– What have you come as?
– A Werewolf.
– But… they’re your normal clothes.
– It’s not a full moon.
Me: I realized I’ve never made a goose happy. I’ve never made a goose sad, but I’ve also never made one happy. Today is the day I change that.
Baker: So, two loaves of bread?
Me: yes two please.