Man: I love curvy women
Curvy Woman: has tummy rolls, thighs touch, cellulite
Man: no, not like that
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Seems kinda suspicious
Me: He’s starting to stir!
Wife: Shhhh.
Me: OH MY GOD…
Wife: Be quiet.
Me: HE’S GOT A KNIFE!
Wife: I hate watching cooking shows with you.
My lasagna just took a picture of me and posted it on Instagram
Whenever I have a panic attack I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
Please stop saying that a problem is a “real pickle.” Pickles are delicious, store well, and have zero calories. You are a problem. Pickles are fine.
I don’t have any kids but I am a proud father of a food baby right now.
I’m at the “my 7 yr old gave himself a hickey on his arm” part of the parenting journey.
Hashtag blessed.
Me: oh the usual- just shedding some skin cells and still fascinated with champagne bubbles and tree bark.
Friend: why can’t you ever just say “fine thanks”?
“Hey buddy, you wanna buy a harmonica?” I opened my coat and got hit by a gust of wind, making the worst sound in the world
<enter password>
ikilledaman
<password must contain a number>
*7 hours later*
ikilled2men
me: I’m stuck in a time loop
friend: *sighing* is your watch on too tight
me: my watch is on too tight 🙂
The one thing I wish my parents told me after I moved out was the address to their new home
A laugh track, but for every time my boss says “I need this done today.”
ME: The kitten has eaten all the grapes!
GF: Just get some more
ME: Ok[later]
GF: Did you get more grapes?
ME [drowning in kittens] what?
Adulting, but it’s just me reminding my kid every day which grown-up words he shouldn’t say in kindergarten
*sneaks into neighbor’s garage & stuffs confetti into the nozzle of his leaf blower*
[Shark Tank]
Ok hear me out.
-Alright.
It’s an airplane made out of cats.
-But why?
It cant crash. Always lands on it’s feet.
-Please leave.
My Uber driver: (quiet, minding their own business)
Me: are you mad at me?
Mowed the lawn yesterday with my shirt off and this morning there were 50 shirts left on my porch with a sign that said, “Please wear.”
Realtor: Why r u moving?
Me: I’ve been eating w my hands for 2 months because the sideways spatula won’t let me open my silverware drawer.
Birds that land and then WALK across the street… what the hell is wrong with you?
Tonight’s Golden Globes taught us that, no matter how much you spend on surgery, nobody looks good while sweaty.
TACOS DRINK A LOT BUT
THE QUEEN IS BEING REBOOTED SOMEONE STOP THEM.
[Job interview]
“Can you explain this gap in your résumé?”
Me: “I fell asleep on the space key.”
Legend has it if u whisper IKEA 3x in the mirror an extra screw will appear & you’ll be haunted by the piece of furniture you ill-assembled.
squid in the streets, octopus in the kitchen, did i do that right?
Me: I’m into fitness
Trainer: not again
M: fitness whole pizza in my mouth
T: you should go
M: this isn’t going to “workout”
T: LEAVE NOW
Don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day. I repeat, don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day.
Forget the fire jugglers and sword swallowers, the most hazardous job at a carnival is guessing the age and weight of women.