Do robots dream of electric sheep?
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next time you hear The Boys Are Back In Town think of me, the unsung hero, who chases the boys out of town with a broom
6yo: “Mom, I’m excited that it’s my first eclipse, but I’m sad that it’s your last.” 💀
Sometimes I get shivers in my spine just thinking about how much tougher Popeye would’ve been if he’d eaten fresh spinach instead of canned.
my daughter: dad I want you to meet my new boyfriend
me, modern and woke: okay great
my daughter: he’s a bee
me: *clenching my jaw* okay great
My son has stolen my iPad to play minecraft. Please retweet this so the notifications disrupt his playing.
We have guests, go get the fancy cups.
I may make a lot of typos when I text, but in my defense, I do have to look at the road sometimes.
You never know what you’ll get with kids. For example I just got 18 videos of the inside of my freezer.
Just got off the phone with my mom.
She had a good chat.Unrelated, there are 1273 Cheerios left in this box.
{At therapists}
SIMBA: Once my dad let a monkey hold me over a cliff.
Remember when you were small & all you wanted was a pony but your parents were high on meth & thought the house was already full of ponies?
I want an olive garden waiter shredding cheese over my corpse at my funeral and nobody say when
(Going through Emergency Go Bag)
Hubs: We have no matches or flint
Me: We don’t need any
Him: How would we start a fire if we needed one?
Me: (slaps my thighs) just let me run for a few minutes and the friction between these two bad boys will start a forest fire
*Bursts into bank*
Robber: THIS IS A ROBBERY. HANDS UP. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Bank clerk: No that’s clearly a shotgun
2nd robber: OOOH SNAP!
Me: I’m feeling short of breath.
Her: Maybe it’s because you just climbed the stairs after eating an entire party-sized bag of chips?
Me: *rolls eyes* I didn’t put the chips in my lungs, Brenda.
Me: “Did you hit your little sister?”
3-year-old: “No, the ball did.”
Me: “Did you throw the ball?”
3: “No, my bat did.”
I bet newlyweds never wonder if their spouse is snoring that loud on purpose
ME: That’s a lovely aerial shot of the beach. Where did you get it?
WIFE: Google Earth
ME: Ok, you’re gonna have to narrow it down a bit for me, Sharon!
I have days when wearing a hat is the only use I have made of my head.
If I’m extra friendly and super sweet when I see you again, it’s cause I’ve forgotten your name
Dad, did you let the parrot name me?
– Haha, no that’s ridiculous, Brock.
Me: I want us to get married.
Her: You’ll have to ask my dad first.
Me: Ok but he’s already married…
When Dr. Seuss wrote, “Oh, The Places You’ll Go,” he did not consider how comfortable my couch would be.
I exercise by keeping the whisky bottle on the far side of the room.
[touring our solar system]
alien: so they named all their planets after their gods?
guide: all but one
alien: what’s better than gods?
guide: *checks notes* dirt
*inventing the mirror*
“People don’t have enough to worry about.”
EVERY MOVIE TRAILER NOW:
We hear a single piano key play.
A shot of a basketball court at dusk.
Sally Field [V.O.] “Your grandfather was…complicated. There’s a lot you don’t know, can’t understand.”
A children’s choir starts singing “In the Air Tonight” by Phil Collins.
I always leave my front door unlocked on my birthday just in case someone is planning to kidnap me in the morning and take me to breakfast 🙂 so far I’ve had zero birthday breakfasts 🙂 and two Blu-ray players robbed 🙂
The year is 2063 and you ask your grandson if you can venmo him. He tells you to just stick your finger in his ear. Cmon grandpa, nobody venmos anymore. Just stick your finger in my ear
good morning to everyone except people who do that thing where they sigh louder and louder until someone finally asks what’s wrong