Somewhere on a windy pasture under this moon there’s a barbed wire fence I left more of myself on than I realized.
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Me trying to reach for my goals
My son keeps running around naked, so I sprayed him with Windex. It’s supposed to prevent streaking.
Mashed, baked or roasted? I could be asking either how you prefer your potatoes or how you like to spend your weekends.
What doesn’t kill you is still… going to kill you. Just slowly.
Me, on my 9th plate of nachos: So you’re telling me I have time
Doctor: I think I should refer you to a specialist.
*puts on ice skates*
so.. what am I supposed to do with these again?
*walks over a pizza to slice it*
there has to be a better way
George Washington spent 63% of his salary on alcohol so I guess you could say I have presidential qualities.
therapist: and what did we say you should do when you’re feeling upset?
me: order a large pizza and eat it in the shower while thinking of ways to avenge those who hurt me
therapist: no
If you wash cheese with antibacterial soap, it turns back into milk.
Hey “greatest generation” why is every thrift store filled with ceramic clowns
things a whale might end an email with:
-i hope this email finds you whale
-best fishes
-may your days be full of peace and krillthings a whale probably wouldn’t end an email with:
-f*** y**
-you’re d*****t
-i am going to find and kill you
Microwave safe? It doesn’t seem like a sensible place to keep your valuables.
15 yo daughter has a friend over and suddenly 13 yo son wants to walk around curling dumbbells.
My wife and I are in a fight so I just looked her right in the eyes and folded a towel in fourths.
3yo stood in front of the electric door at the grocery store, kicking it and shouting, “Dammit! Open! Why does no one listen to me?”
I think she’s ready to be a parent now.
My favorite thing about single people is how they champion being single till they like someone then they transform into a hypocritcalpotamus
OH AND JUST FYI…. THE BAGS UNDER MY EYES ARE LOUIS VUITTON
Day 2 of being Kidnapped.
Kidnappers have now committed suicide.
me (on desert island): good thing i was able to grab this CD player & my 5 fav CDs
other survivor: I saw you put down bread & pick those up
Mosquito’s are like dirty used needles, that can fly.
HITMAN: Who’s the target?
ME: [slides photo across table]
HITMAN: You..want me to kill Shrek?
ME: Not Shrek [taps photo] his talkative horse
United States: There’s 5280 feet in one mile.
Rest of the World: What even is that?
United States: Lol, we made it up.
my high school crush made me a mixtape and on the inner lining wrote “date?” and I didn’t see it until TWO YEARS LATER when he already had a serious girlfriend and tbh I’m still upset about it
Roses are red
Vodka is clear
Shit got wild last night
I should stick to beer
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
A master’s degree gives you the ability to speak with withering authority about why you didn’t finish your Ph.D.
MECHANIC: listen, I’m not sure if I can fix this
FRED FLINTSTONE: *cradling his broken legs*
We couldn’t just…..find their homes?
I PowerWashed the scale this morning because it kept calling me dirty names, like fat.
Oh dear… I should get out of the way, he’s probably trying to catch a bad guy.
-me getting pulled over
Mob Boss: did you make it look like an accident
Me: oh yeah I rear ended him before I shot him