Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.
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doctor: why do you think you need this medication?
me: i saw the commercial and the side effects sounded pretty awesome
Marriage Tip: If your wife goes silent in the middle of an argument, you probably shouldn’t ask if you can go back to mowing lawn.
MyChart App: You have a new message in MyChart
Email: You have a new message in MyChart
Text message: You have a new message in MyChart
Skywriter: You have a new message in MyChart
The Rosetta Stone: You have a new message in MyChart
My 7yo decided to make his video game character “look like daddy” by making him a grumpy necktie-wearing gorilla covered with gray hair, and I’d be mad but honestly the resemblance is uncanny
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: I use bad words
Interviewer: *laughing* that’s okay, we’re pretty tolerant around here
Me: well that’s extrusively marblous to hear
If any of you have 3 hours to kill our youngest has a great story about how she picked her favorite color.
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo says she wants to hug me I just wish it wasn’t almost exclusively said when she’s pooping.
wife: didn’t i tell you?
me: yes, you did
wife: you didn’t listen
me: no, I did not
wife: what did i say?
me: you heard turtles in the walls
wife: what did you say?
me: i said you were crazy
wife: what will you do now?
me: i’ll call the turtle guy
wife: you’ll call the turtle guy
Aries: You will be visited by three ghosts this Christmas. They’re all married, so don’t even ask.
Ladies, if he’s never gonna:
-give you up
-let you down
-run around
-desert you
-make you cry
-say goodbye
-tell a lie
-hurt youHe’s not your man, he’s tacos
Me: Where is the string?
Craft store employee: Yarn?
Me: Just string.
Him: For?
Me: Tying things? Maybe in the garden section…
Him: So you want twine.
Me: What? No, string.
[Half hour later]
Me, sobbing: Please, I just want to tie things
Me: I need to make better life choices.
Also me: CAKE FOR BREAKFAST IT IS.
i love banana bread you just buy a bunch of bananas and then ignore them for a while and finally you’re like ok u will be bread now
I don’t know what’s happening here, but I am definitely going to check it out.
I can’t explain it with science, but the older I get the softer I want my clothes to be.
Satan: Welcome to hell, where it’s hot and never not! Any questions?
Me: Yeah, where’s the second circle? They’re expecting me.
[Me as an Italian language translator]
Police: Ask him where the money is hidden.Me: Spaghetti tortellini Benghazi Fibonacci cappuccino.
When my goldfish starts acting like a jerk I remind him that his bowl is microwave-safe
knights of the ikea table
Titanic
Titanic 2: Ship Happens
Titanic 3: Let It Sink In
Titanic 4: The Quest For Peace
The trick to taking your toddler to a movie is making sure there is another toddler in the theatre who is behaving worse.
These e-cigarettes keep getting bigger and bigger. I swear I just saw someone smoking a clarinet.
Concierge: I’m afraid we’re all booked up this evening
Me: Maybe this will change your mind *slides bill across desk*
Concierge: Sir…
Me: If you want the rest of your duck you’ll find us a table
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
When I think how often I drop things on my feet, my childhood dream of owning a Lightsaber may have been catastrophic
If you’re ever interested in having a near death experience just tell a girl she’s not hot enough to be that crazy.
Laying a trap for my boyfriend by asking him if he thinks I look too skinny
INTERVIEWER: What are your strengths?
APPLICANT: I’m a detail-oriented team player
[nothing wacky happens because this is a job interview]
I’m sorry I ate your food but you just kept taking pics of it instead of eating it.