showed up to a party wearing the same shirt as someone else, how did we both fit in one shirt
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[blind date]
JEFF BEZOS: I brought you flowers
HER: Oh thanks. That’s very sweet
JEFF BEZOS: I see you’ve liked flowers. Perhaps you’d like these other flowers
Bloody internet 😳
I want to be rich enough where I’m not offended by the price of beef jerky.
[creating seahorses]
God: give em little horsey faces
Angel: aww cute
God: fish lookin bodies
Angel: ok…wait, really?
God: curly-cue tails lol
Angel: this is confusing
God: oh yeah? make males carry the eggs til they hatch and explode outta their pouch
Angel:
God: POP
Food shopping after I’ve eaten:
“That’ll be $56.93.”Food shopping when I’m hungry:
“That be $1,432.68. Do you need someone to assist you with your cart train?”
Genesis is my favorite rock group who’ve been around long enough to write a chapter in the bible.
Paste is one of those weird things that only seem to exist until Kindergarten and then disappears forever.
Me: Loving this juice cleanse.
Wife: That’s sangria.
Okay kid, here’s the context. Each of your toes is a pig. I’m going to grab them, one by one, and tell you what each one did. I know, it’s weird, just roll with it.
2: ok
Sliding my tongue in every hole not breaking eye contact with deli clerk is why they kicked me out & won’t let me buy Swiss cheese anymore.
6: Mom will you play with me?
Me: Sure buddy
6: Yay! Okay you can sit right there, you don’t even have to get up!
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ ᵐʸ ᶠᵃᵛᵒʳᶦᵗᵉ ᵏᶦᵈ
Terrifying if literal: Liquid Plumber
Please help me find my lost pet sloth. It was just right here and, oh, never mind, it’s still right here.
Why did they call it Big Pharma and not The Pilluminati.
Me: I’m really at the end of my rope
Executioner: HOW ARE YOU TALKING
In Hell, you’re surrounded by people saying ‘suposably’ and ‘irregardless.’
Way back when, I thought technology would look more like flying cars and less like me yelling “The laptop’s not a touch screen,” at my kids.
If I wash a load of dishes everyday all of my dishes stay clean
If I skip one day I have 7000000000 loads of dishes the next day.
How?
That time I pointed out to the guy trying to sell a magazine subscription that I have a “No Soliciting” sign and he rolled his eyes and said, “Yeah but I’m not soliciting, I’m selling”. Thus ends the tale of why I have a “do not disturb” sign.
I just think mosquitos should go vegan and stop eating me alive
Okay, I’m still confused…
Got a lifetime ban from Target for spending less than $20
My family is getting a crash course in watching me perform musicals all day, which is not something they knew I did, and my 10 year old feels vindicated because she always SENSED that I was deeply embarrassing, but didn’t know why until now.
“My husband’s a talented voice actor & his brother’s a makeup artist but nah this old lady is a different person” -the mom in Mrs. Doubtfire
“I know it takes an egg and sperm to make a baby, but how do they mix together?”
– My 7yo, right before I received that urgent phone call
I try to find the good in every situation. Wait. That was a typo. I meant “food.” I try to find the food in every situation.
What if the Government invented cheese to distract us from reality?
*gets arrested*
My warrior status is dramatically reduced every time I check my phone to see what I ordered instead of opening the box.
If someone tells me, “no rush” then I’m basically never doing it.
I feel for any dog who’s owned by a homeless guy. The poor pooch must be thinking “Where does this guy live, we’ve been walking for 3 years”