“Have some balls. Speak your mind. Keep it real.” – People with anonymous Twitter accounts
You Might Also Like
me: lol THAT’S your sword?
enemy: this blade can cut through steel
me: [confidently] I’m not even made out of steel you idiot
Wife: Ow, a bee just stung me!
Me: uhoh guess i have to pee on u
Wife: that’s for jellyfish
Me: [unzipping pants] bees don’t sting jellyfish
Do you know where my mexican hat is?
– It’s somewhere bro..
Fine…a sombrero, but what I’m asking is have you seen it?
Taylor Swift seems like the kind of chick who’d stare at her boyfriend while he’s sleeping.
*Paul Walker shouts down from the gates of heaven*
“YO DID I GET A MILLION LIKES ON FACEBOOK? THEY WON’T LET ME IN WITHOUT A MILLION LIKES”
I never over sleep in the mornings
I set an alarm, a back up alarm, and a 4yo once those fail
The dog I’m sitting got ahold of a plastic knife and was threatening to eat it, I had to offer her my whole breakfast in exchange for her dropping it, and then I realized I had just literally been held up at knifepoint by a dog over some scrambled eggs
[poker night with the boys]
wife: *on the phone*: I’ll be home soon, need anything?
m: yes please, chips and beer
w: ok. winning?
m: all pants are off
w: you meant bets, right?
m *neatly folding my jeans*: I know what I meant
When I was in 1st or 2nd grade my teacher once incorrectly marked that I had misspelled the word “weird” on some schoolwork. Rather than looking it up in the dictionary to prove I was right, my parents had me bring in this coffeetable book of pulp magazine covers to show her.
The best things in life are free. Unless it’s herpes. Stay away from people who want to give you free herpes.
I’ve had whole relationships shorter than the Game of Thrones opening credits.
Legend 🤣🤣
detective: dammit *slams fist on table* tell me where he is
me: [confidently] the Fourth of July picnic
detective: but where exactly?
me: *holding where’s waldo book* oh i’m gonna need more time
Wanna know my secret to rock hard abs? I ride the mechanical duck outside the grocery store 300 times a day.
I say “Hey man, I got your back.” He thanks me until he collapses from being spineless. I give his back to an infant. “Baby got back.” I say
Ok…who left the bag of idiots open?
I’m on the breadstick diet. You can only eat breadsticks but you can eat as many as you want. It’s not working.
My foto for you
I hope you are a good girl
Your foto look nice#haiku
Me: [getting mugged]
THANK YOU FOR WEARING A MASK
It’s true I hear voices in my head but they speak Russian so I have absolutely no idea what they’re saying
I’m never sure what to do with my eyes when I’m at the dentist. Do I close them? Do I stare at his face? Do I look at the ceiling?
We never got the wreath, but we put up the hanger. This shows intent.
I exit the pool in slow motion, running my hand through my receding hairline.
Satan: “Waaazzz up?”
God: “Speak of the Devil.”
Satan: “Really?”
God: “Sorry, figure of speech.”
Satan: “Jesus Christ.”
Jesus: “What?”
Do all gothic horror stories have to be in ancestral family homes? I am too poor for generational hauntings.
HOT SINGLES HAVE MIGRATED AWAY FROM YOUR AREA DUE TO CLIMATE CHANGE
FRIEND: you gotta go home and show your wife who’s boss
ME: damn right
[later]
ME: jen listen up *pulls out photo* this is my manager tim
*watches an extremely cute guy flirt with an equally cute girl at the gym from the floor above like an old witch on a mountain*
Not to brag but my family won’t have to argue about all the money I won’t be leaving them when I die.