Parenting is panicking when your kids are loud, and panicking when they’re quiet
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Plot twist. When giving birth, women can finally understand how it feels like for a man to have a headache.
[first day as a chiropractor]
assistant: all your patients are complaining
me: I mean…it’s my first day, I’m still trying to get the hang of it
assistant: ok, but do you really have to sing “baby got back” every time?
When someone under 130 lbs calls themselves fat we should legally be allowed to eat them
ANGEL: so the humans turned out… okay
GOD: my greatest creation
ANGEL: truly your best work
GOD: imma drown em
ANGEL: oh thank god
Sure I could remove the price tags off the merchandise in this store but at what cost?
“I didn’t come here to argue.”
– people who definitely came to argue.
Who wants to listen to me eat an apple over the phone? No weirdos
Currently accomplishing an astonishing amount of nothing, at a blistering rate.
Why is fruit so expensive?
I want some raspberries, not the tears of Jesus.
How do I rate our solar system?
One star
They say 9 or 10 is a good age to tell your kid they were adopted, but only IF they were adopted.
My reading glasses would look good on your nightstand.
-Me, flirting.
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: *sprays him in the face with silly string*
Anyone can pull a dr. doolittle like how do you know I’m lying, are you going to ask the animal you don’t think i can talk to, sir?
You don’t realize how much you miss your privacy until you have a toddler hugging you the entire time you pee.
[walks into restaurant] hello, do you serve chicken?
hostess: we sure do
[holding the door for my chicken friend] perfect
[first date]
Me: Do you prefer awkward silence or awkward conversation?
Her:
Me: Yeah, good choice.
In my village the coming of age test is this: your mother abandons you in a grocery store. If you maintain your humanity and survive on groceries you will be a great leader. If you let yourself be raised as a grocery you will become the grocery shaman and do great grocery magic.
Not to brag, but I’ve seen Barbie naked.
Holy crap this is wonderful
“Money doesn’t grow on trees” is something rich people say so you won’t find their money trees.
[At a restaurant]
*phone rings*
Ugh, these are way worse than onion rings.
Buying my parents’ house.
Soon, like so many of the ‘ladies’ here…
I too will be a middle aged man tweeting from his mom’s basement.
The life cycle of an unsuccessful business:
1. Under construction
2. Grand opening!
3. Temporarily closed
4. Open under new management!
5. Temporarily closed
6. Permanently closed
7. Spirit Halloween
People are always terrified of child birth, but they should be scared of the 18 years that follow. Those have to be done without pain meds.🥴
YUCKING OTHER PEOPLE’S YUM IS VERY UNBECOMING
*hears giggling kids
7: Then baby cows can just walk into my house!
Me (in the bathroom): WHAAAAT?
Me: If I ever decide to commit a murder I am going to make a doll out of my hair to put in the victim’s house.
Friend: why?
Me: That way they look crazy and there is a reason my hair is at the crime scene.
Friend: (backing away slowly) sounds well thought out.
I assume anyone sitting alone in a car in the dark corner of a grocery store parking lot is waiting to meet a hitman who is running late.
The lady on the news said that alcohol sales are down significantly in Alberta.
I’ve been sober for 57 days.So technically, I was on the news tonight.