Gordon Ramsey getting ready for bed: Wet the toothbrush. Salt, fresh pepper. Toothpaste on. Delicious
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I just took out a second mortgage on my house in case I get hungry at the airport tomorrow.
Dear Lord..
This all goes a lot faster in the movies.
i will email myself something and then immediately stress once i hear the email notification bc i already forgot :/
Bartender – Would you like to try our pumpkin beer?
Me – Can I have a different bartender please?
Please say a prayer for my 8 year old son, he has to write 4 sentences.
Bananas in Pajamas was so popular. I can’t figure out why my spinoff, Swiss Chards in Unitards, failed
“It’s a good friend who, when you want the truth, knows what truth you want.”
Today was old man training day for the boy. Lunch was pickled eggs and sandwiches and we talked about the weather. Then, over a dinner of chowder we complained about the music kids these days are listening to and then we had pie and coffee in complete silence.
this recipe says red onions are too spicy for salad
Wow bro, that pot leaf tattoo on your neck really makes the colors of your Burger King uniform pop.
TOP 5 PAINFUL THINGS:
5: relationship breakup
4. going to prison
3. disease diagnosis
2. death of a loved one
1.
take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is hidden cameras and the girls are all talking about me.
Note to the 82 year old widow who won the Powerball jackpot last night:
Sup, girl?
The Last of Us is my favorite video game about the survivors of 2020
*sees a meteor* I wonder where that’s landing. Maybe if I run fast enough I can get crushed by it.
“Are You Hugging Me, Or Are You Trying to Wipe Snot on My Shirt?”
– A Novel About Living with Small Children
Raisins are grape jerky.
When accused by a woman a man’s first instinct is to deny. We’re not lying, we’re just buying time to remember what you’re talking about…
Local Thai place no longer suffering fools
It’s bad enough that I have to die someday, having my whole life flash before my eyes first just seems excessive
6: why do we bury dead people and animals but not plants?
Me: um…
6: when plants die can they be ghosts?
Me: I hope not. Otherwise our house is very haunted.
Top Seven Bacon for Breaking:
7. Bacon point
6. Bacon even
5. Bacon Benjamin
4. Bacon my heart
3. Bacon Bad
2. Bacon the law
1. Bacon wind
I’ve never been sucker punched but I have had someone pick up the land line when I was trying to connect to dial up, so same
9 out of 10 wives agree their husbands are always wrong and the other one just doesn’t wanna talk about it right now.
-Me: [Turns off the light, finally gets to sleep]
– Brain: Wait. Who the hell closes the bus door when the driver’s out?
[argument w/girlfriend]
HER: you know what your problem is?
ME: no, *grabs pen and begins taking notes* but i’m about to find out
My dad loves telling the story of when I was young I asked ”when is someone going to die, so I can move from the kids’ table?”
🤣🤣🤣