Apocalypse life hack: mute the news and play White Stripes “seven nation army”. It’s still horrible but it feels so much cooler
You Might Also Like
I just met the most interesting man at the laundromat
And then I realized that he can’t even afford
A washer or a dryer
You can’t get in trouble for leaving work early if you disable the security cameras and crawl out the air-conditioning duct.
“delete your account” and what, leave my children NOTHING
[in car]
7: mom, who sings this song?
Me: Pink Floyd*5 minutes later*
7: who sings this one?
Me: still Pink Floyd, buddy
It must be hard to be a rapper knowing at any moment your enemies may make beautiful poems about you
The lion king: 🎶it’s the circle of life!
The lyin king: so yeah he just fell off that cliff
A little bit of rain and everyone forgets how to drive. Saw one guy try to start his car with a pancake.
Relationship status: the extended car warranty guy told me to stop calling him.
I only eat vegetarians.
[god creating dolphins]
Peter: why is he smiling?
God: cos, Pete, I’ve given him an asshole on top of his head
Peter: ah. Nice
[inventing jogging]
how can i suffer but with music
Daughter: Daddy, did you know that our blood is blue in the veins but it only turns red when it hits oxygen?
Me: *turns to wife* This is what happens when you teach her stuff.
No matter which town/city in America you go to, there is one guarantee, and that is the locals absolutely roasting you for pronouncing the name of their town exactly how it is f***ing spelled
Y’all will never guess what her husband bought her. I’m hollering!!
Last year I had no valentine, this year I also have no valentine. Consistency 🙏🏾
Speaker: Welcome to the First International Flat Earth Conference, where researchers have gathered from all round the world
Audience: *booing and throwing tomato slices*
My eyes are seared by the blood soaked nightmare of the hellscape before me.
The pungent odor of the wretched, tortured souls burns my lungs.
I struggle to breathe…Me, in the DMV waiting room
You have to be careful making self deprecating jokes on twitter. Because you say something like “oh my gosh I’m so ugly!” And people are like “yes. But we love you!” 😂🤣
Found out today my ex girlfriend married a successful businessman. I’m probably better off without her, seems like she has ambition and standards
My co worker managed to get the first two lines of a Christmas carol in before I pushed her out the window
Plenty of tweets about normalize this and normalize that. Not enough about carmelizing this and that.
{the invention of maple syrup}
So, Jacques, have you ever sucked a tree?
my 8yo’s friend came over wearing a Guns-n-Roses t-shirt
me: cool shirt, one of my favorite bands when I was younger
him: yeah it’s my grandma’s favorite band
didn’t think I was even that high until I met buzz aldrin in the mirror just now
I should really stop writing “lol” after “exercise” on my to do lists.
Perfect pizza run just now. Every light was green, every merge clear, cop chasing me got in an accident, I couldn’t believe my luck.
Me, at the intervention: “Ah look, all the reasons I drink gathered in one place.”
Cop: freeze sucker
Me: it’s called a popsicle
Interviewer: what would you say if I said you talk too much.
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
I accidentally bought the “Super Long & Extra Absorbent” maxi pads this month and I think that’s why I have dry mouth.