Daughter: What’s a warehouse?
Me: It’s a man who was bitten by a house, and is then cursed to transform into a house at every full moon.
Daughter: Wow.
Me: *Nodding as I exhale a huge bong rip*
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*uses a selfie stick to selfie with my new friends in the police lineup*
My wife suggested we go to the pub separately & relive our 1st date.
So she walked over to me and said “can I buy you a drink?”
I replied “sorry I’m married.”
Chicago sounds lovely.
When men ask you out, you say no, and they demand an explanation: buddy what is this, high school gym class, do I need to hand you a note from my mom like “sorry Isabel is excused from dating random men on the bus today”
My life hack? If you buy a Rubik’s cube and never touch it they’ll never know you can’t solve it.
Gene Hackman is my favorite actor whose name sounds like a job description at Monsanto
If Ann Coulter is tweeting then who’s guarding Azkaban?
EAT YOUR VEGETABLES!
-a mother who hasn’t eaten a vegetable that isn’t a potato in the last year.
(Shoots my husband in the eye with a Waterpik)
Me: How do you like it?
HI MOM. YOU’RE GONNA BE SO PROUD. I JUST WON AN ARGUMENT ON THE INTERNET. Sorry caps lock was still on from the argument. But I won.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, he could speak more languages than that. He had racist shoulders. His front teeth were impatient.
maybe bears omly like honey so much becuase their throats hurt from all the growlimg they do
i know what will make the other reindeer like rudolph more – a surprise promotion from the boss on the biggest night of the year
Hot sauce has plenty of vitamin C! *slaps orange out of hand
Megaman is such a hard game! I’ve beaten Ice Man & Fire man but this guy just shoots me before I can even move. How do I beat Zimmer Man?
the pigeons are already plenty salty
Wife: I have to go to the store. Need anything?
Me: I need a Valentine’s Day card for you. Get something nice but not too pricey.
Wife: Yep
ME: one ariana please
STARBUCKS: what size
ME: *winks at camera*
Twitter: yo don’t say stimulus say stimmy
Me: hey did u hear taylor won another gramulus
Her: She’s a ten but she-
Me: Hold up. Are you talking about yourself?
director: ok. it’s ancient Greece.
actor: British accent got it.
I hate when I show up to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume.
30% of parenting is making yourself the bad guy so your kids will unite against you and get along for a little while.
Dog keeps sighing melodramatically. I know he wants me to ask him what’s wrong, but I’m not falling for it.
At Walmart during the holidays like..
OK, if you get to refer to your favorite football team as “we,” then I definitely get to refer to the cast of Friends as “we.”
most cutting thing you can say is “who’s this clown?” because it implies they’re a) a clown & b) not even one of the better-known clowns
Getting shit done. Was my response when my boss ask me what I’m doing. And now I’m sitting outside of H.R.