I always take two stairs at a time, that way if I fall, it’s only half the distance…..
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I walk around like everything is fine, but deep down……
inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.
How was I supposed to know unleashing 342 cats in a club would turn to bone-chilling horror the instant the disco balls started up?
Dear Abby,
I never thought this would happen to me. Today I met a sexy woman who told me I write letters to the wrong publication.
this coffee maker is handing out writing prompts for a choose-your-own-adventure vampire story
My ear is bleeding because I tried to shave it. Now I have to create some elaborate lie to tell ppl how I cut my ear.
i’m a pretty resilient person unless something hard is happening
I’d be really slim if it wasn’t for birthdays, anniversaries, Easter, Christmas, Mother’s Day, weekends and me.
[before humans were invented]
animals: this is nice
JOCKEY: “Watch me whip”
HORSE: “Watch me neigh neigh”
My daughter wrote a story at school about a sad cat that drinks cocktails so I should probably call her teacher
The 3 Little Pigs Story teaches us that if you use cheap building materials, you deserve to be murdered by a stranger.
[doctor presses play]
couple: maybe a different donor
When I complained to Amazon about a missing parcel and they asked me to send photographic evidence.
Snorting hot chocolate powder thru a hollowed out candy cane at my desk because Cheryl said I wasn’t “showing enough holiday spirit.”
Much to my 12yo son’s horror, I just sang along to Ace of Base’s “The Sign” at full volume in a van full of his friends. Being a dad is fun!
Me: You don’t have to tell me twice.
Narrator: 38 times. You have to tell her 38 times.
Sorry boys, but you will never get into these pants. I barely get into these pants. These are very tight pants.
I PASSED THE BAR!
On the way to work and I didn’t go in! Yay me!
Get your kids Christmas pajamas so they’ll have something comfortable to fight in.
My new hobby is adding unnecessary adjectives like “frozen ice cubes” or “granulated sand” and watching people’s eyes twitch.
Picture someone chasing down a ping pong ball that fell on the floor.
Ok that’s how I dance.
guy finding a big puddle of blood in a horror movie: (touches it and looks at his fingers) it’s blood
My dog is doing her silly “I Just Made A Giant Poop” happy dance. I’m happy for her but also like, super jealous.
Yeah… My camera adds 30 pounds. But Photoshop takes it back off.
*touches a turtel* *dies*
*touches a plant* *dies*
wow mario are u allergic to evreything or wat
[Jesus on the cross]
*texts with 1 hand* “um dad y hav u 4saken me wtf”
*5 hrs pass*
“new phone. who dis?”
I’m one whole face and body rearrangement away from being Scarlett Johansson.
My husband and I play this game where we buy potato chips the other one doesn’t like so we don’t have to share.
My least popular conspiracy theory is that orchestra conductors don’t actually do anything. Some guy just shows up and says “okay I’mma direct you” and the musicians play the same but treat it like a Make-a-Wish thing and are like, “That’s great, bud, you’re directing so good!”
please don’t celebrate april fools’ day if you’re not a fool ❤️ my culture is not your costume